DNC nausea

Ugh. I'm already sick of the DNC Convention. The ridiculous flag-waving, "pick yourself up by yer bootstraps!", "The American Dream is still alive!" narrative is making me fucking nauseous. It's absolutely what they have to do, but it's such pandering bullshit.

Eep?

Dude. Don't say bad stuff about the pill. I love the pill. The pill is one of the greatest inventions ever.

DNC schedule

Courtesy O. :)

Patriotism

Another in our series on "private IM conversations made public for your amusement":

C: after watching the olympics i feel the need to be more american. i think i'll go amass a few grand in credit card debt
Me: that's the spirit!
C: gold plated napkin dispenser? how could i possibly live without it?
Me: better go on a hoveround though...don't want to be burning any extra calories
C: good point
C: although i'll need some chrome on my hoveround
C: who am i kidding though, if i'm gonna build up credit card debt its all going on hookers and booze
C: not necessarily in that order. but probably
Me: I recommend the booze first
C: heres my thinking - in the beginning i'll have the high priced hookers. i dont need to be drunk for those. as i get poorer and dip down to the $10 street whores - then i'll need to be hammered
Me: ok, nevermind...clearly you've thought this out already.
C: obviously

Mmmm...sacrilicious

I'm in an intolerant of religion kinda mood.

The most awkward sex talk ever

Wow...this very well might be the most awkward sex talk ever.

It takes a lot to leave me speechless...I think this might have done that though. I'm going to be over here curled up in a fetal position, m'k?

Abortion blog

Fascinating/amusing/scary blog by a woman going from finding out she's pregnant to actually getting an abortion. Wish there were a place I could offer support, although undoubtedly I'd be drowned out by pro-lifers who have nothing better to do than harass a scared early-twenties woman.

Caution: more doggie porn

Dear GOD I am so easily amused. Midnight on a Friday night and this is what I've sunk to.

You have to admit though...whoever came up with the concept after observing that in the neighbor's garden deserves an emmy.

The secret to great sex: socks!

"The experiments also revealed a rather surprising effect: both men and women found it easier to have an orgasm when they kept their socks on."

Proof-positive there is too much sex in music videos

Thoughtful political commentary: Fuck Critical Mass

Yes, it's kind of a bit far to go to piss off people who, well, piss you off, but I do deeply appreciate the irony here. This is exactly the kind of result I expected out of those retarded Critical Mass protests. You pissed off a guy enough to get injunctions against bike lanes, and you got in an all-out brawl with a driver in downtown Seattle; well done, guys! You're winning hearts and minds!

Tiddy Bear!

Heh...hehehe...hehehehehehe...Tiddy Bear...hehe...

Defending yourself against 20 children

Thank you! Finally a _practical_ piece of information on the internet.

I Google myself

This guy almost makes me want to go gay. :-D

- Watch more free videos

How American men will die

I have no particular thoughts on this. Just think it's interesting.

Death Star over San Francisco

Damn. You know, I would have thought I would have noticed the Imperial armada while I was in SF, but I guess not...

His _third_ penis?

You know, I love the mental image of this guy coming home to his wife, her taking one look, and going, "Alright. That's it. Check please!"

(thanks J)

Electronic voting

Tomb Raider redux

I'm a little disturbed by how long I just spent staring at this:



On the plus side, it's moments like these that I think to myself, "Yeah, I'm pretty damn sure I'm not gay..." (and please spare me the "Who are you trying to convince?..." comments...look at her for chrissakes!)

Umm, yes please?

*drools, paws at air...*

Disturbia

Man, if there were ever a video that didn't match a song, it's Disturbia. The video looks like it was shot for a Marilyn Manson song and then switched to a Rihanna dance ditty at the last second. Ugh. I'm going to pretend I never watched that...

The best take on Orson Scott Card's departure on the 9:15 to Crazy Town

Surprisingly, by Cracked. Probably my favorite line:

"I mean, I understand a devout Mormon having some issues with gayness, but when your brain tells you that it’s an important enough issue to divide the country in a bloody coup, it’s time to get a new brain."

Cooties

I forget whether I posed this:

Vagina

Well, it's true...

Important boob-related research

I'm so glad someone out there is doing the truly important research...

I've...developed a taste...

I love this...

First motivational poster I've ever liked

Darwin at work again

Sigh. I don't even need to say anything, do I?

Perception versus reality

I seem to have to explain to every girl I meet (at least the ones that fret over their body, which is most of them) that their perception is skewed. I had known that men's ideal female body is more curvy than women's, but this article (mildly nsfw) provided a very nice, visual summary of it.

Ladies: you're hot, and we like you naked. End of story. :)

Please, girls, don't ever do this

From British Cosmo (scanned charitably by K). This is _so_ not okay. Click to zoom.

Perhaps the best definition of porn ever

N: and you damn well know what porn is
L: ...
L: i'd still like to hear you explain it
N: when a man loves a woman...
N: sometimes he wants to see that woman naked
N: with a horse
L: HA
L: oh i spit out my gum!
L: like, flew at the wall. damn you

Ingenious social engineering story from Kevin Mitnick

Genius. Also assholic, but genius.

Hyperbole gone wrong

Is it me, or it is absurdly hyperbolic to title this article the, "Most Creative Sex Positions Ever!!!" I mean...really? Knees up on the edge of the kitchen counter is one of them. I really don't think it takes all _that_ much creativity to come up with that one. Next they'll be suggesting the lady be on top, and surely then their readers will be "ovuh-come with the vay-pahs"...

For fuck's sake (literally?) even Wikipedia can come up with something weirder. Cosmo, you're not even trying any more...

Goat schadenfreude

I take a sick amount of pleasure in this video. God, how many annoying children have I wanted to do that to?

God bless you, karma goat.

Petting Zoo Goat Slams Kid - Watch more free videos

What happens when I get bored

I went to the Bite of Seattle today and got funnel cake (mmmm...funnel cake...) and in a moment of...well, _me_...went up to the "Lost Kids" booth where two attractive young women were looking quite bored, pulled out my wallet, and asked, "So, how much do lost kids go for these days?" Hey, I brought them smoothies too...it's not like I was just making their life hard. To their credit they played along, although they made no effort to keep me engaged in conversation when I quickly made leaving motions lest it look like a lame excuse to talk to pretty girls (which, admittedly, it kind of was).

It's good to know that I haven't gained any sanity since my youth...

The Onion: Horrifyingly prescient

Note the date.

Gitmo

Do you know what the youngest age of someone at Guantanamo was when it opened?

11.

They were holding an 11-year-old at Gitmo. And I think he's still there.

God this country is fucked.

Gay rights: mostly about money

Honestly, this is why I've never been too pessimistic (unusual for me) about the prospects for gay rights in the long term: it doesn't make economic sense. Quick summary of the history of Massachusetts since gay marriage was legalized: "DOWN WITH GAY PEOP...oh, wait...they have money?! Fuck, why didn't you say so?!..."

Never forget money makes the world go 'round. :)

Cats can be fucking bitches

Cat doesn't let dog eat - Watch more free videos

Want to be depressed?

Read this. Lays out very succinctly what a failure this administration has been in dealing with terrorism.

Continued Ayn Rand

I've been having more fun with the Ayn Rand thread on Digg (instead of working, of course). Philosophy is far more interesting than virtual machines at the moment...

Poetry

Ayn Rand rant

In a fit of procrastination, I succumbed to my impulse to post on Digg, and I actually came up with a fairly concise description of my objections to Ayn Rand and Objectivism:

"There is a certain irony in Ayn Rand's philosophy in that she held "reason", which she defined roughly as "an objective view of reality," as the ultimate goal of life, and yet psychological studies prove time and again that people, when viewed objectively and scientifically, are fundamentally irrational. Animal training, conditioning with rewards and punishments, is a far more accurate model and effective guide to molding human behavior than any of her nonsense.

Rather than providing a guide for improvement, Rand's philosophy has served mostly as (ironically) a rationalization for discrimination ("if they're poor it's their own fault", "black people are incapable of the same kind of civilized reason that white people are", "women can't be trusted with anything important because they're too emotional", etc.), and consequently a blinder to the inadequacies of capitalism and free markets that arise from humanity's basically impulse-driven nature."

Here kitty kitty kitty...

My mother apparently believes me to be ruled by my baser instincts

I am disturbed by her first assumptions about my ideas for what to do with weightlessness...

Me: "in 50 words or less, what is the first thing you would do in weightlessness?"
Mom: throw up
Me: right. after that.
Mom: try to collect the barf
Mom: Really, it's not a condition I've ever thought of as an opportunity to do something I couldn't do before. What about you?
Me: trying to figure that out
Mom: because ....?
Me: it's a prompt for an entry into the Virgin America contest to win a trip to the unveiling of the Virgin Galactic spaceship.
Mom: I have had to come to understand that I don't think like the age, gender, outlook, tastes of the people who would even think up a Virgin Galactic spaceship.... You're probably a lot closer to it, so what are you thinking.... something sensual? sexual? science-y? life-style-y?

Iranian missile followup

Clearly, if the Iranian news agency hadn't half-assed their image doctoring, it would have been far more effective...

Louis Theroux and the Phelps

Wow...want to take a serious trip through the looking glass? See what it's like inside the Westboro Baptist Church.

I take some solace in that they're essentially a doomsday cult where the children do not marry or reproduce, so they will eventually die out. But damn...it's surprisingly painful to watch that 21-year-old girl, who probably in other circumstances would have been kind and lovely, denied her right to an actual life.

Someone has been seduced by the devil, but it's not us. :(

The truth hurts

From the "You couldn't make this shit up if you tried" files...

Iran sucks at Photoshop.

Oooh...rain_bows_...

We must retake our country, people! The government is now resorting to, uhh, rainbows! Rainbows!!!

(thank you J)

Passive-aggressive notes

Oh, I heart this repository of passive-aggressive notes...

Lava surfing

Certain things are very obviously bad ideas. This happens to be one of them.

Uh, guys?...

Hey, you, umm...you might wanna...uh...


Powerful Avalanche - A funny movie is a click away

Louis Theroux and the Brothel

I found this absolutely fascinating. Louis Theroux (whom apparently I should know but didn't) spends several weeks in the Crazy Horse brothel before it opens, getting to know the girls, seeing what life there is like, etc. (Obviously nsfw)

I don't know why I find it so fascinating. I mean, yeah, sex, titillation, etc. But the social dynamic is just so...unique. It's like a normal relationship viewed through a funhouse mirror.

(you can find the rest of the series in Related Videos)


Similarly, "Pleasure For Sale" is a Sundance award-winning documentary on some of the same stuff.

Ok fine I take it back

It was pointed out to me that certain corporate overlords block Facebook but do not block blogspot. Sigh. Okay, fine. FINE. I will continue posting here. Don't say I never did nuthin' for you.

Especially since I'm giving you Presto, the short at the beginning of WALL-E. If you haven't seen WALL-E, for fuck's sake, what is wrong with you?! Go. Now.

So long and thanks for all the fish

I think, dear friends, it is time to kill this here blog off. It's original intent was to serve as a common repository for random crap I come across in the great wasteland that is the Internet, as well as a location for the occasional rant. I am finding, much as I hate to admit it, that Facebook serves both purposes (particularly the former) better (i.e., with less effort on my part). I don't need the anonymity nor the flexibility of a blog. So, you will see stuff that used to be here instead posted to Facebook. If you don't have a Facebook profile, hi, it's not the 90s any more. Get one. :)

Clown Porn

So wrong, and yet, so right...

8. Sweeping up the wet spot: It’s like the old sweeping up the shrinking spotlight bit, but with the wet spot.

9. Confetti money shot: He pulls out and shoots confetti all over the female clown.

10. Seltzer money shot: He pulls out and is going to skeet on her face, but instead it is a huge torrent of seltzer water. Lots of it. And just when it seems like there is no more left, and she begins to rub it all over herself, another huge torrent, larger than the first blasts her.

11. More honking: All intercourse will have honking on the in-stroke.

12. Slide whistle: Some how this seems like a good sound effect for an anal scene, but could be good for another blow job scene too. Whooooeeeep. Wheeeeoooop. Whooooeeeep. Wheeeeoooop.

This month sucks

First Russert, now Carlin.

Goddamnit.

"The good die young, but dicks live forever." -- Lewis Black

YouTubery on female anatomy

First, laugh:

Then, be horrified:

A Biblical depiction of history

Baconhenge!

It's Baconhenge. Enough said.

Talking Jesus!

I can't figure out who the voice of Jesus is. Not quite James Earl Jones, not quite Christopher Walken...hmm...

Umm...happy Father's Day?

"I'm voting Republican!"

The atheist's banana nightmare revisited

I pointed out how Kirk Cameron so devastatingly refused my atheism with the design obvious in a banana previously. Turns out, while there was some design to it, it wasn't really divine:



P.S. Remember this? Oh, it still makes me laugh. Then cry. But laugh first!

Infertility rant

Okay, seriously? I have exactly zero sympathy for bourgeois whining about the hardships of infertility. Don't compare the "suffering" of your "disease" to, you know, actual suffering and actual disease.

1. The world is already over-populated, and it's only getting worse. Your gas wouldn't cost so goddamn much if there weren't a billion people over in India and China who are suddenly discovering, "Heeeey...you mean, we don't have to live in squalor? And these 'vehicles' you speak of..." We don't need your own personal screaming shit factory adding to the problems.
   
2. Last I checked, the world was still full of unwanted babies and parent-less children in orphanages. If you want a baby so much, shut up, get over your goddamn genetic protectionism, and adopt one of them.

For fuck's sake...Americans get worked up over the dumbest shit...

Huffington on "balance"

You know, Huffington may have a slightly batty, schizophrenic history, but it's nice to hear someone finally saying in a public forum what I've been complaining about for a while (i.e., the idea of "balanced" media coverage is stupid).

Aww...

Poor guy...

"One Possible Explanation"

Penny Arcade's take on Jack Thompson:

Jack Thompson: still an asshole

Not worth another Daily Douchebag, but just in case you were wondering: yup, Jack Thompson is still an asshole.

I am not not confused

Yet another in my series of "Reappropriating Private Email Correspondences for Public Amusement" postings:

On Jun 4, 2008, at 2:13 PM, O wrote:

"All of the following reasons are disadvantages to investing in alternatives assets except: "

Mind you, alternatives assets are the ones with features that are generally not like 'regular' assets.

So the question is basically asking, "What should you not consider when you don't want to invest in assets that are not like the usual types of assets?"

And that would be one of the easy questions.

Saturday is going to suck.

O
-----

On Wed, Jun 4, 2008 at 7:45 PM, N wrote:

I am not not confused.

-----

On Jun 4, 2008, at 5:08 PM, Q wrote:

Which of the follow options, where you to not be unconfused, would most strongly not further confound the bemusement if said option were to be disregard?

A) Fish
B) A porpoise
C) The number 7
D) Yes

-----

On Jun 4, 2008, at 5:15 PM, N wrote:

Which choice of the below would most strongly fail to unconfuse you were it not to be an option?

A) D
B) A
C) B
D) C

"Bury me in my can"

"He...he...*snurfle*...he popped but then he just couldn't...*snurfle*...couldn't stop!!! *piteous sobbing*"

"My Chest Is a Complicated Place"

Another cool essay on Nerve by the same girl who wrote the NYT piece a while back.

A whole essay about boobs: what's not to like? (Ok, fine, so technically it's about boobs and what's underneath, but details...)

Sacrilicious

Mmmm...sacrilicious. :)

Since I haven't posted in a while, here:

Flying Penis Disrupts Russian Meeting

Okay, that's _definitely_ not something you see every day...

Icelandic Phallogical Museum

Donate your penis to science!!!

"One species conspicuous by its absence is homo sapiens, but that may soon be rectified since a German, an American, an Icelander and a Briton have promised to donate their organs after death, according to certificates on display.

The American, 52-year-old Stan Underwood, supplied a written description of his penis -- which he purportedly nick-named 'Elmo' -- for display alongside a life-size plastic mould of the member as well as his pledge to donate it."

Also, this isn't creepy _at all_:

"He said he began collecting penises 24 years ago, when working as a school administrator, with little notion he would one day be running a museum devoted to the subject."

Stealing dad's credit card to buy hookers

Okay, no part of this article isn't funny. There's honestly nothing I can add to it to make it any better.

Folding proteins for fun and profit

I think this is probably one of if not _the_ coolest thing to come out of our department. They managed to make a game out of folding proteins! Now your procrastination could actually cure disease!

Standards

Okay, seriously...if we somehow agree that it's not okay for 16-year-olds to vote, why the fuck can't we agree that it's not okay for retards to vote?

...and before you object, remember that not only do they believe that Obama is an anti-American Muslim, they also _said so to a reporter_.

Bad ideas include

Leaving "cystic fibrosis porn" in my Google search windows in the lab for anyone and everyone to see is probably a bad idea, huh?

Horrifying discovery

I have recently discovered that not only do I like _more than one_ dance remix of Britney Spears shit, there's even a remix of fucking Miley Cyrus I like. And there's a Justin Timberlake song that's been on my iPod for a while now.

Isn't the next logical step here that I excitedly tell my friends I just got my first period?

The truth of graduate student life (in comic form)

I wish this weren't so sadly accurate.

Your daily douchebag (5/5/08)

You know, every time I swear I'm not going to give Jack Thompson another Daily Douchebag, he does something that brings douchebaggery to an entirely new level.

"Hmm...I've said pretty much every douchbaggy thing that could ever be said...how can I add that extra 'oomph!' that says, '_That_ man is no ordinary douchebag. Truly, he is a titan among douchebags!'? I know! Instead of sending a threatening email to my adversary, send it to his mother!"

Fuck Clinton redux

Okay, I now officially hate Hillary Clinton. What utter, pandering, anti-intellectual, Republican horse shit. This is exactly the same kind of "Fuck the 'experts' and their 'knowledge' and 'intimate understanding of all the relevant details'" crap that turned Iraq into the shit-storm it now is.

I never thought there would be anything that would cause me to not vote against a Republican, but this is getting _very_ close...

Haven't we all, at some point in our lives, thought...

"...you know what? Fuck it. I'm going to go fuck a penguin."

Facebook in reality

Clarence Thomas apparently likes Egg McMuffins

What happens when you write celebrities and serial killers posing as a 10-year-old boy? Do you get valuable advice, or do you get mysterious pictures of barns? Find out!

Surely this is a sign of the apocalypse

Break the Ice

I dig the dark, anime, Trinity-esque Britney, and I like the song (which I must admit I bought from the iTunes store).

AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I bet you thought there was no such thing as a partially completed surgery. Apparently, in China, you're wrong.

*clutches knees, rocks back and forth in corner, whimpering...*

Signs I am a bad person

I reply to "Happy Earth Day!" with, "So, you're saying I should _stop_ suffocating the baby seal with this plastic bag?"

The whosiwhatsisnow?

You heard me. The Toast of Botswana.

Also, why does this paragraph make me feel so defensive?:

"Although infertile, the hybrid had a very active libido, mounting both ewes and does when they were not in heat. This earned the hybrid the name Bemya or rapist. He was castrated when he was 10 months old because he was becoming a nuisance."

A thought on having sex with your lawn furniture

Okay, yes, creepy. But isn't this a victimless crime? If the guy can seriously get his rocks off by boning an umbrella stand, why shouldn't he be able to do that? He doesn't bother any women (or little boys), and there's no chance that it could accidentally involve passing on his umbrella-humping genes. Isn't this pretty much ideal?

Let natural selection do its work, for fuck's sake!

I am retarded

I can't stop laughing at this.

GodDAMN that must have hurt...

Disturbing sex toys

I mean, whatever...you're into what you're into. But...but...really? Really?!

Erotic Jesus

From the article:

"But the most disputed work was 'Leonardo's Last Supper, restored by Pier Paolo Pasolini' which showed cavorting Apostles sprawling over the dining table and masturbating each other."

You know, I can see why some people might be a wee upset about that...

It got me thinking though. Having a bunch of biblical figures jerking each other off is just cheap attention-whoring (although still awesome, don't get me wrong...I approve of the transgression of any and all lines of propriety). And frankly, it's not that erotic.

So what if you really did make a truly erotic Jesus? You know, like a Jesus in seductive poses, winking at the camera, showing cleavage. Now _that_ would be an erotic Jesus. A quick Google search for "sexy Jesus" reveals a comic entitled, "The Adventures of Sexy Jesus," which is a start, but I think there's far more marketability here. Anyone want to start a business and get rich?

The George Bush Sewage Treatment Plant

God bless San Francisco.

Bacon bra!

I think the picture speaks for itself.

(and yes, fine, props to J since she keeps complaining that she gets no credit)

Need a slightly used rubber fist?

Here ya go!