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Okay: once more, with feeling. I know this has been posted a thousand times before by a hundred different posters, but from what I can see you're not listening, so we're going to go through this one more time. Please follow the bouncing ball.
Ladies. I know you are the scarce commodity in these here parts. I understand that. Really. I realize that you can afford to be pickier than the guys, and that you could probably post something in all caps that said, "I HAVE WITHERED BOOBS AND FART A LOT!" and have about a thousand replies in the next 40 minutes. I get it.
That said, for the love of whatever deity you believe in, let's put a little thought and a little marketing into those personals posts. If you want any hope of actually catching the attention of a guy who does not keep a folder full of pictures of his own wang, who has not (at least recently) had a discussion about whether the Enterprise or a Star Destroyer would win in a fight, and who will not ask you to "touch his wookie" on the first date, you're going to need to do better.
Rule #1: The phrase "I'm so tired of" should not appear in your post unless followed by "riding naked and alone in my extra ferrari."
Nothing brings out those commitment and support urges like sustained and detailed whining about previous dating experiences! We love them. It makes us fantasize about standing in front of that ramshackle, heavily mortgaged house with maladjusted children screaming across the yard while listening to you explain to us how the yard still needs mowing and we never take you anywhere special any more. And that's soooo hot. We immediately begin composing email demanding to be allowed to take you to Europe and marry you on the Italian Riviera.
Seriously though...how do you feel when you read a guy's post about how there aren't any decent women in the bay area and how all the girls he's met are fake? Is this attractive? Do you get good feelings about this clown? No, of course you don't. You feel like you're being whined at. You don't like it, and neither will your Perfect Boy. Don't do it.
Rule #2: There is no one on Craigslist who is 6'2", in perfect physical condition, mysterious eyes, confident, successful, witty, driven, supportive, understanding, has a perfect butt, rock-hard thighs and calves, broad, muscular shoulders, and a deep, knee-melting voice with a slight
He doesn't exist, and he sure as hell isn't browsing online personals. And psst...I'll tell you a secret: you don't actually want that anyway. Interesting people always have a certain set of "flaws" that make them distinctive, and the person you fall in love with will inevitably not match your preconceived notions.
So, ditch the detailed laundry list of desirable traits in your Perfect Boy. This one also falls under the heading of "you don't like it when we do it, so why the hell are you doing it?" I realize boys are somewhat alien, but believe it or not we do have feelings too and have vaguely human reactions to things. If you create this detailed list, we think you're just going to be sitting there ticking off points for the ways in which we don't measure up. We all have our flaws, and we all get evaluated too much as it is anyway. Isn't the whole point of being in a relationship with someone that you can rely on them _not_ to judge you and be supportive no matter what kind of fucked up thing you do? All right then. If physical appearance is important and you don't want to waste your time with someone you will never be attracted to, fine. Ask for a picture. This is reasonable. But we are not applying for a job. We're trying to find someone we'd actually like to hang out with and might have a connection to.
That said, describing _your_ physical traits is perfectly fine and indeed probably recommended. Us boys are very simple and very visual creatures, and you're more likely to get our attention if we can form a picture of you in our heads. The nice part about words is that they're never complete, and we tend to fill in any missing details to our own particular liking. You might think this could be dangerous as we will eventually be "disappointed," but so long as you are (vaguely) honest, it's fine. Creating interest is an important first step. The rest will take care of itself. You never know; he might be pleasantly surprised, and even if he isn't, by the time he sees what you actually look like, he'll probably have more than physical appearance to go off of, and as you girls well know, that can account for a remarkable portion of a person's overall attractiveness when it comes to relationships. There are some damn ugly people out there dating some damn hot ones, and it happens for a reason.
Rule #3: Everyone thinks they're kind of cute, likes movies, snuggling, travelling, going to restaurants, loves to laugh, and wants someone cool to hang out with. FUCKING EVERYONE.
Seriously. Everyone. Ted Kazynski likes snuggling. Goebels liked snuggling. Pol Pot liked to laugh. The Wicked Witch of the West liked travelling. Even James Dobson likes to snuggle while he's busy hating gay people and plotting the resurrection of his dark master. But you know what? They're all very different, very unique, and very scary fuckers that I would never want to date. And having you tell me you possess these traits gives me absolutely no new information and does not differentiate you in any way from the demented fucktards previously mentioned. Please, please, PLEASE tell me about yourself. Spend at least a little bit of time describing yourself in a way that gives me a picture of who you actually are. What you like doing. What you don't. What pisses you off. What you love. What you find funny. What kind of fucked up shit you've done. Even the specific ways in which your job sucks balls would be progress. But damn...tell me something about YOU. Read the other "women looking for men" posts and then DON'T SOUND LIKE THAT. Ask yourself why any guy would want to reply to you in particular out of the myriad of personals postings. Will it be because you like to watch movies on the couch and go to good restaurants? No, because that's what the last 912 postings said too. Be unique. If you like kicking puppies, well damnit, I want to know about it. Tell me what you _think_...don't just give me a laundry list of activities. I want to know how you look at the world and what makes you tick, and the fact that you plan tennis and read books just doesn't cut it. Oh, and by the way, describing yourself should hopefully take more than a few lines. If it doesn't, you are boring, and we have no interest in talking to you.
All right, a couple of final, minor rules:
Rule #4: If I want an unsmiling stare, I will peer intently at my mother's cat
If providing a picture, take a decent one of yourself. Try not to take a poorly lit webcam photo at 3 am. And smile. The impression I want to get is, "Hey, you should come hang out with me because I'm fun!" not, "Look into my eyes so that I may use my mental powers to make your brain explode!!" Smiling good. Brain exploding bad.
Rule #5: The caps lock is not that hard to figure out
You look retarded when you type all in caps and misspell all of your words. Frankly, I'm surprised you were able to actually post anything. Is chewing gum and walking at the same time a challenge as well? Here. Take this bag of M&Ms and remove all the W's. Let me know when you're done.
Rule #6: When you say, "I am a 9 and you should be a 9 too, and men find me intimidating," I hear, "I am a self-involved, shallow, and insecure bitch that no man should go near with a borrowed dick"
Get over yourself. What kind of banchee succubus intimidates people into dating them? And what kind of fucked-up relationship does that result in? And are the children of those people the idiots who buy shit from spammers? And does this explain Karl Rove?
That's all I have for now. 6 easy to follow rules to better and more fulfilling personals postings from you friendly local bitter and sarcastic recently-single mid-twenties male. I wish you the best of luck, and I look forward to the drastic improvement in postings that will inevitably now result. Excuse me while I return to being pissed off at world events mixed with intermittent masturbation.
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