Unremarkable peon seeks independently wealthy braniac supermodel - 25 (san mateo)
Reply to: anon-83910102@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-07-12, 2:15AM PDT
I've tried these sites before, but I have yet to find that special straight-haired brunette, large-breasted, independently wealthy, sexually deprived braniac supermodel and her lonely extra ferrari that I just know is out there waiting for me. I'm really not a picky guy, but I have yet to find her.
I can see us together in my mind...
...her gently sloping nose exquisitely reconstructed after being bitten off at the age of 6 by a meth-crazed, gimpy Saluki...
...her hazy, vacant green eyes, one lazy like the two of us on a Saturday night cuddling on a tired bean-bag chair...
...her turgid yet surgically botched nipples that make her shirt look like it's hiding tic tacs rammed haphazardly onto the sides of gracefully curving turkeys...
...her hips two angelic parentheses surrounding the universe's warmest and most welcoming asterisk...
Oh, it could be so beautiful!
I don't know much about you, oh beautiful fantasy woman, but I know in my heart of hearts that you must...simply must!...meet the following criteria, for I cannot imagine you any other way:
- Be sexually aroused when the announcer of the Lea and Perrins commercial announces lustily that, "_You_ were dry, but _I_ made you juicy!"
- Enjoy as a token of your deep and everlasting affection the fact that you will need to stare intently at my stubbornly flacid manhood while clapping excitedly and exclaiming, "I believe, Tinkerbell, I believe!" in order for me to become sexually aroused
- Like pretty sunsets
- Enjoy fine dining, be an excellent cook, and yet inexplicably also maintain the totally unreasonable cultural standards of female body shape
- Have the heights of your already enflamed passions elevated inescapably by the fact that I like to sing "She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain" during my sexual partners' moments of climax
- Be brilliant, successful, enviably gorgeous, charming, loyal, and witty, except insofar as your expression of said qualities exceeds my own
- Will glow with loving admiration at the sensitivity and empathy of my gift when I send your emotionally unstable sister a wire hanger for her baby shower
- Defecate infrequently, and when you do, only emit the finest aloe vera-enriched bath soaps
- Appreciate me for who I am, accepting my physical and emotional flaws unquestioningly and without holding me to unrealistic and shallow standards
My sweet fantasy fungal spore of perfection, I hope this note finds you well. Your acceptably attractive, selectively courageous prince awaits you so that we may begin our idyllic life together! Please email me soon! Every moment we are not together is an unbearable eternity of emotional constipation! You are the enema that will release the thundering, fragrant torrent of my passions!
Write soon, my sweet!
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