Poor elmo.
Scary Rumsfeld.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
On Carlinism
You'll forgive me...it's 1:30 am, and I'm in a melancholy mood...
I was discussing with a friend recently our relative views on, well, everything. Seeing as how she was talking to me, you can rightly assume that she shares at least some of my dark, jaded outlook on life. But she hasn't give up entirely on humanity. And I realized that I totally have.
It was kind of shocking to me, actually. It seems somehow anathema to liberalism to be fatalistic about the prospects for our species. And yet, I am also an empiricist, and the empirical evidence points inevitably to the fact we are, as a species, selfish and self-destructive. Maybe that's actually the core of liberalism anyway...the fundamental recognition that people are self-interested fucktards, and that that is, you know, bad. Conservatives either fail to recognize the dark nature of humanity (inexcusably idealistic naivete) or recognize it but just don't give a shit (understandable narcissistic apathy).
Anyway, back my main point. Think about it. Sure, you have friends you believe are good people and are trying to make the world a better place. But consider humanity as a whole. Look at history. The things we believe to have positive developments in human society were inevitably paid for with the blood and suffering of countless generations. People are entirely reactive. Nothing ever changes unless a critical mass of people are miserable.
Take a moment and wrap your brain around the implications of that simple fact. We are totally incapable of proactively working for the good of humanity. Self-governance, social welfare...none of them came about because it seemed like a good idea to the ruling class. It came about because enough people were being dicked over that they went and killed the fuckers collecting their taxes and tithes. And for a moment, things were good. But soon the revolutionaries (or more likely, their children) became decadent and apathetic. They stopped giving a shit about the people who had less than they did because they had what they wanted. And voila, you have a brand new ruling class. Repeat.
Every human society in history has followed this pattern. At least the ones who had enough resources and became efficient enough to allow for division of labor, an economy, and free time. Every goddamn one. Roman empire. Charlemagne. Byzantine empire. Kingdoms of the middle east. England. Spain. France. Portugal. And now, United States. And just look at the state of national politics to see that we've forgotten the dangers of an entrenched aristocracy and of an insurmountable class divide. This country has taught me that the only thing democracy buys you is a cheering section behind the tyrant.
It's fucking depressing. Every time I read about world events I get this profound sense of disappointment and infuration at humanity. And this, I think, is the fundamental aspect of Carlinism.
"What may sound like anger to some is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction." -- George Carlin, Brain Droppings
It's just so frustrating. It wouldn't be hard. We could do it. But we don't want to. We prefer to hoard, to demean, and to follow. We are fucktards. Absolute quintessential fucktards.
"...It's not so much individuals, it's about my contempt for the way [people] organize themselves and handle themselves. The contempt is because this species, including the American variety, had a great deal of potential. An incredible higher brain, able to do all these conceptual things beyond just food, eat, shit, fuck. I think that gift from nature has been completely wasted, and the pursuit of power, money, position and objects and possessions…all those things have pushed off the radar the more intelligent aspect of humans." -- George Carlin
I get pissed at people like Karl Rove, Bush, every retard in the Religious Right from Frist to Dobson to Falwell, all the sleazes in corporate America like the Ken Lays of the world, but you know, this last election taught me that it's all the other normal people that enable them to exist. To paraphrase Newton, if the world is ruled by assholes, it is because they stand on the shoulders of giant idiots. All those rat bastards are powerless without the throngs of braindead zombies that support them. All the money people voluntarily give up, money they could use to actually better their community, contribute to the knowledge of the universe, to warm somebody who's cold or feed someone who's hungry, and they fucking give it to Focus on the Family. No one holds a gun to their head. Nothing would happen to them if they didn't make the donation. But they do.
We thought that if we could get rid of the unelected monarchs and make the church more accountable to its congregation, if we could just give the downtrodden a voice, then we could fix it. We could make it better. We thought it was the upper eschelon standing in the way of our inevitable journey to Avalon. But look at what we've done with the world. We blithely poison ourselves and voluntarily give power to the unscrupulous and malevolent. And we fucking deserve the results.
So you know what? I'm just not going to feel guilty any more. I don't care. I'm going to enjoy the ride. I'm not going to feel guilty about not giving money to Second Harvest, not donating blood, not volunteering, none of it. It's a drop in the ocean of ignorance and apathy. Even if we were to make the world a better place, we are too shortsighted and petty not to fuck it all up again anyway. I have one shot at life, and every moment I waste worrying about a scourge of wasted intelligence that has done nothing to justify its viral existence is a tick off my internal clock. Fuck that. There are games to play, Go-Karts to ride, cotton candy to eat, and orgasms to have.
Call me when the world ends. With any luck I'll be laughing too hard to notice.
I was discussing with a friend recently our relative views on, well, everything. Seeing as how she was talking to me, you can rightly assume that she shares at least some of my dark, jaded outlook on life. But she hasn't give up entirely on humanity. And I realized that I totally have.
It was kind of shocking to me, actually. It seems somehow anathema to liberalism to be fatalistic about the prospects for our species. And yet, I am also an empiricist, and the empirical evidence points inevitably to the fact we are, as a species, selfish and self-destructive. Maybe that's actually the core of liberalism anyway...the fundamental recognition that people are self-interested fucktards, and that that is, you know, bad. Conservatives either fail to recognize the dark nature of humanity (inexcusably idealistic naivete) or recognize it but just don't give a shit (understandable narcissistic apathy).
Anyway, back my main point. Think about it. Sure, you have friends you believe are good people and are trying to make the world a better place. But consider humanity as a whole. Look at history. The things we believe to have positive developments in human society were inevitably paid for with the blood and suffering of countless generations. People are entirely reactive. Nothing ever changes unless a critical mass of people are miserable.
Take a moment and wrap your brain around the implications of that simple fact. We are totally incapable of proactively working for the good of humanity. Self-governance, social welfare...none of them came about because it seemed like a good idea to the ruling class. It came about because enough people were being dicked over that they went and killed the fuckers collecting their taxes and tithes. And for a moment, things were good. But soon the revolutionaries (or more likely, their children) became decadent and apathetic. They stopped giving a shit about the people who had less than they did because they had what they wanted. And voila, you have a brand new ruling class. Repeat.
Every human society in history has followed this pattern. At least the ones who had enough resources and became efficient enough to allow for division of labor, an economy, and free time. Every goddamn one. Roman empire. Charlemagne. Byzantine empire. Kingdoms of the middle east. England. Spain. France. Portugal. And now, United States. And just look at the state of national politics to see that we've forgotten the dangers of an entrenched aristocracy and of an insurmountable class divide. This country has taught me that the only thing democracy buys you is a cheering section behind the tyrant.
It's fucking depressing. Every time I read about world events I get this profound sense of disappointment and infuration at humanity. And this, I think, is the fundamental aspect of Carlinism.
"What may sound like anger to some is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction." -- George Carlin, Brain Droppings
It's just so frustrating. It wouldn't be hard. We could do it. But we don't want to. We prefer to hoard, to demean, and to follow. We are fucktards. Absolute quintessential fucktards.
"...It's not so much individuals, it's about my contempt for the way [people] organize themselves and handle themselves. The contempt is because this species, including the American variety, had a great deal of potential. An incredible higher brain, able to do all these conceptual things beyond just food, eat, shit, fuck. I think that gift from nature has been completely wasted, and the pursuit of power, money, position and objects and possessions…all those things have pushed off the radar the more intelligent aspect of humans." -- George Carlin
I get pissed at people like Karl Rove, Bush, every retard in the Religious Right from Frist to Dobson to Falwell, all the sleazes in corporate America like the Ken Lays of the world, but you know, this last election taught me that it's all the other normal people that enable them to exist. To paraphrase Newton, if the world is ruled by assholes, it is because they stand on the shoulders of giant idiots. All those rat bastards are powerless without the throngs of braindead zombies that support them. All the money people voluntarily give up, money they could use to actually better their community, contribute to the knowledge of the universe, to warm somebody who's cold or feed someone who's hungry, and they fucking give it to Focus on the Family. No one holds a gun to their head. Nothing would happen to them if they didn't make the donation. But they do.
We thought that if we could get rid of the unelected monarchs and make the church more accountable to its congregation, if we could just give the downtrodden a voice, then we could fix it. We could make it better. We thought it was the upper eschelon standing in the way of our inevitable journey to Avalon. But look at what we've done with the world. We blithely poison ourselves and voluntarily give power to the unscrupulous and malevolent. And we fucking deserve the results.
So you know what? I'm just not going to feel guilty any more. I don't care. I'm going to enjoy the ride. I'm not going to feel guilty about not giving money to Second Harvest, not donating blood, not volunteering, none of it. It's a drop in the ocean of ignorance and apathy. Even if we were to make the world a better place, we are too shortsighted and petty not to fuck it all up again anyway. I have one shot at life, and every moment I waste worrying about a scourge of wasted intelligence that has done nothing to justify its viral existence is a tick off my internal clock. Fuck that. There are games to play, Go-Karts to ride, cotton candy to eat, and orgasms to have.
Call me when the world ends. With any luck I'll be laughing too hard to notice.
Monday, July 18, 2005
About that firing thing
Did I say fire? I meant not fire. Yeah, I can see how you might have been confused...
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Inspirational phrases for a baby shower
Feel free to add your own.
It wasn't that hard to spread your legs/Yet we're still amazed his sperm found the egg
You let a retard sleep in your bed/Hope the kid likes special ed
We're really sorry the condom broke/But at least now we get some rum and cokes
Perhaps one day you and your child will be walking all alone/And you can point and say, "Look! That's the bar bathroom where mommy answered the bone-a-phone!" (ok, a bit long, but I liked it)
We know this is hard so don't feel so bad/Some day the circus will come back and you can find the dad
When the kid realizes his dad is so ugly the mind just boggles/Just calmly explain, "Sweetheart, mommy had beer goggles"
We dearly hope you don't fuck up your kid/Quite as much as your parents did
We're all delighted and ever so pleased/You contracted the most joyful sexually transmitted disease
Just goes to show that with enough stout/You'll believe him when he says, "I'll pull out"
Congrats on the bundle of joy, and try not to think about/The fact it will be 10 times larger than the orifice it needs to come out
We're happy about the baby, but it's still kind of shitty/That its daddy could be any guy in the city
We loved putting together this stupid goddamn party, no really it's a thrill/But next time just remember to take the goddamn pill
We're sure the kid will be perfect and won't need a brother/But it's still good to know if you fuck this one up you can still make another
It wasn't that hard to spread your legs/Yet we're still amazed his sperm found the egg
You let a retard sleep in your bed/Hope the kid likes special ed
We're really sorry the condom broke/But at least now we get some rum and cokes
Perhaps one day you and your child will be walking all alone/And you can point and say, "Look! That's the bar bathroom where mommy answered the bone-a-phone!" (ok, a bit long, but I liked it)
We know this is hard so don't feel so bad/Some day the circus will come back and you can find the dad
When the kid realizes his dad is so ugly the mind just boggles/Just calmly explain, "Sweetheart, mommy had beer goggles"
We dearly hope you don't fuck up your kid/Quite as much as your parents did
We're all delighted and ever so pleased/You contracted the most joyful sexually transmitted disease
Just goes to show that with enough stout/You'll believe him when he says, "I'll pull out"
Congrats on the bundle of joy, and try not to think about/The fact it will be 10 times larger than the orifice it needs to come out
We're happy about the baby, but it's still kind of shitty/That its daddy could be any guy in the city
We loved putting together this stupid goddamn party, no really it's a thrill/But next time just remember to take the goddamn pill
We're sure the kid will be perfect and won't need a brother/But it's still good to know if you fuck this one up you can still make another
Friday, July 15, 2005
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Don't buy Google
I just read that Google has a price/earnings ratio of 119.
Let me say that again because it's important: Google's price/earnings ratio is 119.
That means that their stock is worth 119 times their earnings. Hypothetically, this means people expect Google to grow, in the long term, by doubling seven times. Seven times.
They need to double.
Then double.
Then double.
Then double.
Then double.
Then double.
AND THEN FUCKING DOUBLE AGAIN.
Ok, so that's an oversimplification, but still...goddamn. It's like the beanie baby craze all over again.
Let me say that again because it's important: Google's price/earnings ratio is 119.
That means that their stock is worth 119 times their earnings. Hypothetically, this means people expect Google to grow, in the long term, by doubling seven times. Seven times.
They need to double.
Then double.
Then double.
Then double.
Then double.
Then double.
AND THEN FUCKING DOUBLE AGAIN.
Ok, so that's an oversimplification, but still...goddamn. It's like the beanie baby craze all over again.
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Why organized religion is a bad idea
Ah yes...of course the Church has traditionally been the defender of reason and truth in the face of hysterical "science." Just ask Galileo.
(Christ...at what point did these people completely lose touch with reality?)
Also, I couldn't help but post this.
(Christ...at what point did these people completely lose touch with reality?)
Also, I couldn't help but post this.
I got bored again
Unremarkable peon seeks independently wealthy braniac supermodel - 25 (san mateo)
Reply to: anon-83910102@craigslist.org
Date: 2005-07-12, 2:15AM PDT
I've tried these sites before, but I have yet to find that special straight-haired brunette, large-breasted, independently wealthy, sexually deprived braniac supermodel and her lonely extra ferrari that I just know is out there waiting for me. I'm really not a picky guy, but I have yet to find her.
I can see us together in my mind...
...her gently sloping nose exquisitely reconstructed after being bitten off at the age of 6 by a meth-crazed, gimpy Saluki...
...her hazy, vacant green eyes, one lazy like the two of us on a Saturday night cuddling on a tired bean-bag chair...
...her turgid yet surgically botched nipples that make her shirt look like it's hiding tic tacs rammed haphazardly onto the sides of gracefully curving turkeys...
...her hips two angelic parentheses surrounding the universe's warmest and most welcoming asterisk...
Oh, it could be so beautiful!
I don't know much about you, oh beautiful fantasy woman, but I know in my heart of hearts that you must...simply must!...meet the following criteria, for I cannot imagine you any other way:
- Be sexually aroused when the announcer of the Lea and Perrins commercial announces lustily that, "_You_ were dry, but _I_ made you juicy!"
- Enjoy as a token of your deep and everlasting affection the fact that you will need to stare intently at my stubbornly flacid manhood while clapping excitedly and exclaiming, "I believe, Tinkerbell, I believe!" in order for me to become sexually aroused
- Like pretty sunsets
- Enjoy fine dining, be an excellent cook, and yet inexplicably also maintain the totally unreasonable cultural standards of female body shape
- Have the heights of your already enflamed passions elevated inescapably by the fact that I like to sing "She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain" during my sexual partners' moments of climax
- Be brilliant, successful, enviably gorgeous, charming, loyal, and witty, except insofar as your expression of said qualities exceeds my own
- Will glow with loving admiration at the sensitivity and empathy of my gift when I send your emotionally unstable sister a wire hanger for her baby shower
- Defecate infrequently, and when you do, only emit the finest aloe vera-enriched bath soaps
- Appreciate me for who I am, accepting my physical and emotional flaws unquestioningly and without holding me to unrealistic and shallow standards
My sweet fantasy fungal spore of perfection, I hope this note finds you well. Your acceptably attractive, selectively courageous prince awaits you so that we may begin our idyllic life together! Please email me soon! Every moment we are not together is an unbearable eternity of emotional constipation! You are the enema that will release the thundering, fragrant torrent of my passions!
Write soon, my sweet!
Sunday, July 10, 2005
Friday, July 08, 2005
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Why is Microsoft retarded?
Why does Microsoft keep doing such stupid shit? Haven't they learned about bad PR yet? Christ...
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
Anti-humor
I don't know why this is so funny, but it is. This ain't bad either.
...and while we're at it, baby jokes!
...and while we're at it, baby jokes!
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
Sunday, July 03, 2005
Friday, July 01, 2005
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