Of course you realize, this means war...

Okay. That's it. The bicyclists clearly need to be stopped. Let history remember that they started this. They declared war. We merely defended ourselves.

It's bad enough when one self-righteous bicyclist in ridiculous pants holds up traffic on a road. It's an entirely different abomination when an organized group takes to the streets specifically to impede traffic. Before, I was content merely to be annoyed by them. Now, they must be destroyed. Delenda est bicyclibus.

Here is my idea for a counter-protest. Some particular day, we get a lot of people together and find a heavily used bike route. Preferably one bikers use to get to work. And we walk. We walk in their bike lanes. Slowly. Arduously. Frequently stopping to tie our shoes. Or even just yawn. And we accost any bicyclists we see. We angrily condemn them for using up our precious natural resources on the construction of their environmentally oblivious and selfish bicycles, those wantonly wasteful devices of convenience that are contributing to the destruction of our planet. We must vilify these people at all costs so that their selfish behavior is highlighted to all the world, and government action can be taken.

We must construct self-congratulatory websites that claim our actions are to promote the fun of walking and the sense of community among walkers despite the fact that our actions are clearly meant to piss off as many people that we don't like as possible. We must shroud our assholicism in the cloak of activism. And then we must go home and eat beef that has been injected with as many growth hormones as possible (shouldn't a cow feed as many people as possible?) while we stew in our self-satisfied juices knowing, deep down, that just as we have saved the life of a defenseless soy plant, our actions have made the world a better place.

(Fuckers.)