Girls Next Door

I've wanted to write more funny stuff here. So, I'm going to, you know, do that. Although this one is cheating...I'm stealing from an email I wrote (two, technically). But damnit, I made myself laugh.

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My roommate and I were watching Girls Next Door. If you're unfamiliar with the show, it's half an hour of the profound philosophical musings of Hugh Heffner's cadre of bimbos. Anyway, the show was following Hootie McBoob or Chesty Larue or Busty St. Clair or whatever the fuck her name was, and apparently the powers that be deemed her worthy of having a radio show on Playboy Radio where she and her dog host.

Don't worry...yes, there were a lot of things wrong with that sentence, so I'll go back.

Let's ignore for a moment that she's hosting with her _dog_. Let's ignore the fact her dog is in her purse...her bright pink purse...with its own microphone. That's not even the part that makes my brain hurt.

What makes my brain hurt is that she's on Playboy radio. Playboy. RADIO. The fact that Playboy Radio exists means that sometime, somewhere, there was some douchenozzle at a photo shoot where some peroxide blond with big ol' fake titties was smiling vacantly at the camera, and said douchenozzle stared at her for a moment and said to himself, "You know what that girl's most marketable attribute is? Her witty banter!"

It reminded me of the time I read the article about how they were opening a Hooters in Shanghai. Or rather, I didn't so much read the article as I read the headline and then laughed, and laughed, and laughed...

(I asked my friend Matt who lives in China about it. He said, "It's as ridiculous as you think. The girls there are jealous of the walls.")

I don't understand the cult of Hef. I think they do probably bang him (I heard someone on Law and Order actually use the term "shtupp," which is, I've decided, one of the dumbest euphemisms for boning) in the interests of furthering their careers. What I want to know is: do any of the girls actually find him attractive? Are any of them _not_ cringing when he hobbles towards them with viagra-fueled, geriatric lust in his eyes? With his freakish night-of-the-living-dead cock waving threateningly from his raisin-like form? I mean, I realize that attraction tends to be less visual and more about personality for women, but for fuck's sake there must be a line...

(did you throw up in your mouth a little there?)