Important philosophical questions about babies

Maybe you've seen How Many Five Year Olds Could You Take In a Fight. Maybe you've taken the test. Maybe you've decided, as we have, that the results vastly underestimate the true value. Most people seem to get a result in the 20s, which, let's be honest, is ridiculous. They're five-year-olds, people. How long one can keep sending lifeless, five-year-old corpses flying into the walls with the satisfyingly wet, meaty "slap" that only soft, child-flesh can make is simply a matter of how long it would take you to get tired. And frankly, you could easily keep delivering lethal kicks while sipping an Evian and munching on a Power Bar. I think it's clear that your average 20-something male could easily..._easily_...work his way through 60 five-year olds.

But, you know, that's simply one of many important philosophical questions. The classic one, which we spent much of our college careers pursuing, is whether you could break a window by throwing a baby at it.

Now, hold on...I know. I know! You're thinking, "That's horrible! How can you ask that...without clarifying what you mean?" You're totally right. There are way too many variables here. How old is the baby? How much has its skull hardened? If it's still soft, that's just going to absorb the impact, and you're going to be left with an annoyingly intact window. Do you get a wind-up? How far are you throwing the baby from? Is the glass double-paned? Can pneumatic launchers be employed? If not, can simpler, more historical devices be employed like, for instance, a trebuchet? (can't you picture it? a cute little ballistic bundle sailing gracefully through the air?...) And, hell, are you allowed to freeze the baby before tossing it? I mean, clearly, a frozen baby is going to be able to do a hell of a lot more damaged than one of those annoyingly live, squirmy ones.

So, ok, let's not let this get ridiculous. Live baby. 3 months old. You must launch the baby using your arms, and it must be released 10 feet in front of a standard, double-paned, front-of-your-house storm window. What do you think?

If it's me, I think I'm going to go with no. Can't be done. I think the soft baby-flesh is going to absorb too much of the energy, and I don't think even the most adept hammer-toss Olympian can imbue that child with enough momentum to truly shatter the glass.

I could be wrong. Maybe the tender baby meat is much less important than the sheer mass of the child, and it would put even the finest cannon ball to shame. I would like nothing more than to imagine one of the many babies that have made my transcontinental plane rides crashing through a window like a Butterball launched from a railgun, but I'm just not sure it would fly.

Anybody want to argue with me?