Clarence Thomas apparently likes Egg McMuffins

What happens when you write celebrities and serial killers posing as a 10-year-old boy? Do you get valuable advice, or do you get mysterious pictures of barns? Find out!

Surely this is a sign of the apocalypse

Break the Ice

I dig the dark, anime, Trinity-esque Britney, and I like the song (which I must admit I bought from the iTunes store).

AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I bet you thought there was no such thing as a partially completed surgery. Apparently, in China, you're wrong.

*clutches knees, rocks back and forth in corner, whimpering...*

Signs I am a bad person

I reply to "Happy Earth Day!" with, "So, you're saying I should _stop_ suffocating the baby seal with this plastic bag?"

The whosiwhatsisnow?

You heard me. The Toast of Botswana.

Also, why does this paragraph make me feel so defensive?:

"Although infertile, the hybrid had a very active libido, mounting both ewes and does when they were not in heat. This earned the hybrid the name Bemya or rapist. He was castrated when he was 10 months old because he was becoming a nuisance."

A thought on having sex with your lawn furniture

Okay, yes, creepy. But isn't this a victimless crime? If the guy can seriously get his rocks off by boning an umbrella stand, why shouldn't he be able to do that? He doesn't bother any women (or little boys), and there's no chance that it could accidentally involve passing on his umbrella-humping genes. Isn't this pretty much ideal?

Let natural selection do its work, for fuck's sake!

I am retarded

I can't stop laughing at this.

GodDAMN that must have hurt...

Disturbing sex toys

I mean, whatever...you're into what you're into. But...but...really? Really?!

Erotic Jesus

From the article:

"But the most disputed work was 'Leonardo's Last Supper, restored by Pier Paolo Pasolini' which showed cavorting Apostles sprawling over the dining table and masturbating each other."

You know, I can see why some people might be a wee upset about that...

It got me thinking though. Having a bunch of biblical figures jerking each other off is just cheap attention-whoring (although still awesome, don't get me wrong...I approve of the transgression of any and all lines of propriety). And frankly, it's not that erotic.

So what if you really did make a truly erotic Jesus? You know, like a Jesus in seductive poses, winking at the camera, showing cleavage. Now _that_ would be an erotic Jesus. A quick Google search for "sexy Jesus" reveals a comic entitled, "The Adventures of Sexy Jesus," which is a start, but I think there's far more marketability here. Anyone want to start a business and get rich?

The George Bush Sewage Treatment Plant

God bless San Francisco.

Bacon bra!

I think the picture speaks for itself.

(and yes, fine, props to J since she keeps complaining that she gets no credit)

Need a slightly used rubber fist?

Here ya go!

JesusPan

"Put the image of Jesus RIGHT ON FOOD!"

Cultural evolution

I just had an important discussion that has advanced the state of popular culture, and I feel it should be summarized here for posterity lest it be lost to the mists of history (it was too long to include verbatim).

I was commenting on my already well-documented love of the phrase "douchenozzle." It was pointed out to me that this is really a term that can justifiably be applied only to guys, which is true. I proposed that the shortened "nozzle" might be a more fitting general purpose derogatory term with less of a gender-specific connotation that still maintains the feel of the full "douchenozzle." A vote was held, and the motion carried. Henceforth, please begin referring to people that annoy you as "nozzles."

For variety, you can also refer to people as "fucknozzles." It's longer and more satisfying (that's what she said?...), and has more of the spitting staccato that you want out of a swear. Example:

"Nick, you're such a retard..."

"Hey, you know what? You can go fuck yourself, you fucking fucknozzle."

See? It's fantastic.

There was, incidentally, a final twist in the conversation that led to an agreement that Fucknozzle sounds like a character you would find on "Muppets After Dark." Can't you just picture Kermit, Ms. Piggy, Fozzy, and Fucknozzle hanging around a dark alley smoking cigarettes? Or maybe they're holding an intervention for Fucknozzle. That seems strangely appropriate.

My warped mind

When I saw an ad that said, "Wondering if you have a gambling problem? Call the National Gambling Addiction Hotline," the first thing I thought to myself was, "Dude, they totally should have put, 'Hey, we bet you $10 you won't call! Eh? Eh?'"

Does that make me a bad person?

I'm going to go ahead and assume yes...

He's having a baby

*jaw falls on floor, brain explodes*

(courtesy MrsMalkav)

The Steep Price of Our Forbidden Kiss

I don't post a lot of serious stuff here (at least not things I'm not about to angrily rant about), but this New York Times piece by a girl with cystic fibrosis touched me deeply. I've never read something so...familiar. Familiar because it speaks to what being young and chronically ill does to your life.

What's it gonna be?

The Greatest Drunk on Earth

I have a new hero.