JesusPan

"Put the image of Jesus RIGHT ON FOOD!"

Cultural evolution

I just had an important discussion that has advanced the state of popular culture, and I feel it should be summarized here for posterity lest it be lost to the mists of history (it was too long to include verbatim).

I was commenting on my already well-documented love of the phrase "douchenozzle." It was pointed out to me that this is really a term that can justifiably be applied only to guys, which is true. I proposed that the shortened "nozzle" might be a more fitting general purpose derogatory term with less of a gender-specific connotation that still maintains the feel of the full "douchenozzle." A vote was held, and the motion carried. Henceforth, please begin referring to people that annoy you as "nozzles."

For variety, you can also refer to people as "fucknozzles." It's longer and more satisfying (that's what she said?...), and has more of the spitting staccato that you want out of a swear. Example:

"Nick, you're such a retard..."

"Hey, you know what? You can go fuck yourself, you fucking fucknozzle."

See? It's fantastic.

There was, incidentally, a final twist in the conversation that led to an agreement that Fucknozzle sounds like a character you would find on "Muppets After Dark." Can't you just picture Kermit, Ms. Piggy, Fozzy, and Fucknozzle hanging around a dark alley smoking cigarettes? Or maybe they're holding an intervention for Fucknozzle. That seems strangely appropriate.

My warped mind

When I saw an ad that said, "Wondering if you have a gambling problem? Call the National Gambling Addiction Hotline," the first thing I thought to myself was, "Dude, they totally should have put, 'Hey, we bet you $10 you won't call! Eh? Eh?'"

Does that make me a bad person?

I'm going to go ahead and assume yes...

He's having a baby

*jaw falls on floor, brain explodes*

(courtesy MrsMalkav)

The Steep Price of Our Forbidden Kiss

I don't post a lot of serious stuff here (at least not things I'm not about to angrily rant about), but this New York Times piece by a girl with cystic fibrosis touched me deeply. I've never read something so...familiar. Familiar because it speaks to what being young and chronically ill does to your life.

What's it gonna be?

The Greatest Drunk on Earth

I have a new hero.

Making babies is complicated (nsfw)

You know? It's probably just that it's 2 in the morning and I'm in a weird mood, but this amused me as much as it left me feeling really, really strange. (click to view it so you can actually see it)

I think the schooner is my favorite part.

Misheard Numa lyrics

You're all sick little monkeys

For fuck's sake people...what the hell is wrong with you? That shit was posted two _months_ ago, and it still constitutes 40 goddamn percent of the traffic to this blog! Good lord! There's much better porn out there, I swear!

"Which giant, high-fructose-corn-syrup megacorps own your favorite hippie organic microbrands?"

...and you people wonder why I'm such a cynic.

Hate groups in the US

This map of hate groups in the US is interesting to me for only one reason: South Dakota seems to have no race hate groups whatsoever.

Want to know why?

BECAUSE THERE ARE NO GODDAMN PEOPLE IN SOUTH DAKOTA TO BEGIN WITH.

Skippy's List addendum

I didn't notice there was a user-submitted addendum to Skippy's List!!!

I nearly pissed myself at this one:

"Combining blanks and cleaning rods in the M16A2 rifle is not an acceptable means of acquiring 'meat for the tribe.' It should be noted it’s a bitch unpinning a squirrel from a tree and you NEVER get your cleaning rod back."

The tragedy of the tutu

This is what I apparently do instead of research.

-----

Subject: This shall not stand!

I write to you, gentle-folk, to tell you of a travesty of staggering proportions. I arrived in the systems lab and immediately felt, in the depths of my soul, that something was deeply, deeply wrong. For a time, I could not fathom what was amiss, but the room felt dark, as if a savage murder had been committed here many years ago.

It was only when R pointed, her hand quivering as her brain undoubtedly struggled to process the savage deed, at the garbage can that my malady gained focus. My face blanched, and my jaw dropped agape, as I beheld the horror.

There, cruelly scrunched in pink mourning, lay my beloved tutu.

It is here that I must hastily remind you to breathe, gentle reader, for I was quick to save the poor thing from its fate. Disaster has, fear not, been averted. But, oh, the savagery of it! That the clearly soulless walking corpse that Shall Not Be Named but shall be referred to only as ******** ******** could behold the majesty of such a tutu, could be bathed in its wonder, and still, with malice aforethought and cruel intent, brazenly toss it in the garbage as one might a common candy wrapper or banana peel, shakes me to my very core!

What has this world come to, I ask you! What depraved state has this world decayed to that a tutu...a shiny, elegant, pink tutu...should, instead of inspiring the beholder to exclaim with glee, "Oh! The joy! The wonder! Let us hold a Pretty Pretty Princess Party in celebration of such a fine specimen of a tutu such as this!", incite a colder, darker response more along the lines of, "Bah! What a wretched tutu! Quickly! Brush it into the waste bin like so much refuse so that this one piercing ray of hope and light in my horrible world can be extinguished and I can return to my dull, dreary existence of kicking puppies and raping chickens (or vice versa)"?

This shall not stand, friends! This is a call to arms! If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem! Stay vigilant! You may think to yourself, "Surely _I_ could not return to my office to find a tutu massacred into a wastebasket! Such tragedies only befall the morally corrupt and the less attractive! Surely I will never endure such trauma!" If you delude yourself thus, know this, friends: I was once like you. I skipped through life as you do, oblivious to this dark, savage side of the human spirit. But then today happened, and I will never be the same. Part of me died today, and the human soul is a delicate thing that, like a central nervous system neuron, is bestowed upon birth and cannot regenerate if damaged.

So take care, dear comrades. Nefarious forces are at work. Cast not a blind eye towards such depravity. The soul you save may be your own.

Nick

P.S. To pre-empt the obvious question, no, I don't actually ever do any real work. Just ask ******** ********.

Let's go for a walk in the park!...

You know, this _sounds_ good at first. But then you have to remember that not only are most people unattractive (more so naked), but that when two ugly people find each other, they have been sex-starved for so long that they fuck like _bunnies_. Any time, anywhere. So, I'd bet you dollars-to-donuts that that park will soon be filled with obese, hairy, sweaty bodies writing against each other. The first phrase to enter your head will not so much be "hot XXX action!" so much as "struggling, beached whale."

Dirty, dirty teens

Gah!

Well, that's the last time _I_ fuck a 14-year-old...

(I know, I'm a horrible person)

Hippy pop medicine

Comment by airhead hippy midwife on Discovery Health documentary:

"Water: nature's epidural! Tee hee!"

Umm...no. No. I'm sorry, no. Just...just...no.

God...damn...hipp-ays!!!...

Tree births

Just in case you thought the babies/windows incident was isolated, I give you the following IM conversation. I'm really...special...aren't I?

-----

Nick: I just heard the following on television:
Nick: : a flash flood forces a woman to give birth in a tree. Next, on Amazing Births!
Nick: Umm...tree?
J: ... and you think that epidurals are where its at
J: fuck that
J: i want a tree birth
Nick: oh hell...what have I done?...
Nick: heh
Nick: hehehehehe...
J: boil some water and get me some rope
Nick: hehehehehehe
Nick: you know what I'm thinking, right?:
Nick: "PUSH!!!..."
Nick: "....................................."
Nick: ".......*thunk!*"
J: sigh
Nick: can a placenta serve as a bungie cord?
J: its just like throwing a baby at a window, right, nick?
J: ouch
Nick: hee....hehehe...
Nick: boing...boing...boing...
Nick: ok....ok...whoo...ok...I'm ok. I'm can stop laughing...
J: nick nick nick
Nick: how long is the placenta? Could she toss the baby to the shore and then use the cord to climb to safety?
J: i don't think you have all your facts straight
Nick: alternatively, could it be used to construct an ad-hoc slingshot, a la wyle e. coyote?
J: ACME
J: i love spam
Nick: hmm...and the placenta is how the baby gets oxygen, right? Can that work in reverse? Could mom use the newborn as a snorkel?
Nick: jesus christ the possibilities are endless!
J: this is frightening
J: and unpleasant
Nick: They should make a PSA informing women in flood-prone areas to be pregnant!
Nick: what, you want the woman to drown?!
Nick: she has a newborn baby!
Nick: I'm just trying to figure out how to save them.
Nick: I don't hear you coming up with any bright ideas.
J: i think they should stay in the tree
J: forever
Nick: that's just stupid. they'd run out of food.
J: we've already discussed that they can eat the placenta
Nick: Although maybe if the tree were fruit-bearing, and the baby were sticky, you could throw it at the high-up fruit...

A doozie of a moral conundrum

I actually find this British debate over what is and is not allowed when performing IVF to be fascinating. This seems one of the first real-world examples of what has traditionally been merely an amusing topic for the philosophically inclined over cups of chai.

The issue is this: a deaf couple wants to ensure, via IVF, that their next child is also deaf. The question is simple: should that be allowed?

Seems simple. The more you think about it, though, the more your brain gets tied in knots. Shouldn't a couple be able to control their ability to reproduce? Does it really matter whether they use scientific tools to more carefully control the nature of their child? Aren't they already doing that just by using IVF in the first place? Why shouldn't they be able to manipulate specific features of the embryo? Wouldn't you want to be able to ensure your child is healthy? Is ensuring your child is deaf, if you think deafness is important for the child, no different?

And yet, it's different. I'm sorry, but deafness is a disability. It's great that the deaf community has found energy and power in their disability by embracing it rather than let it impair them, but that doesn't change the fact that it's a disability. The anatomy of human beings is structured to allow hearing. If the sense of hearing doesn't work, that's a malfunction. And it seems wrong to intentionally damage a child in that way from the get-go. Would we let a parents ask a doctor to sever aural nerves? Fuck no. That would be child abuse. How is this any different?

If they are proud of deaf culture, fine. Physically disabling a child in order to force it to have to participate in that culture is wrong. If it's that important, the child gets to hear by default. When it reaches an age where it's capable of consent, it can choose to become deaf if it really wants to.

And that's what I think about that.

Your daily douchebag (02/10/08)

...to Oklahoma State Rep. Sally Kern. Not just for being a homophobic douchenozzle, but for being recorded being a homophobic douchenozzle.

I am a cliche

It's 1 am. I'm starting to work on my research project. My computer science research project. To one side of me is a can of Mountain Dew. To the other is a pair of Hot Pockets.

I think all I need now is a pocket protector and the phrase "hot elf action" in my search history, and my nerdery would be complete...

A deep thought

Fuck Hillary.

That is all.

Kitten cannon

Go directly to hell. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. In fact, get in the express line...

Bad McCain

No biscuit.