There are so many things wrong with this news item, I don't even know where to start

How...why..."slipped out"???...

*brain explodes*

18 Sexiest Sex Offenders

I feel...dirty.

I'm not sure who wins here. The woman who had the love-child with her 13-year-old student? The one who held a "win a date with a teacher" contest? The one who seduced the 15-year-old and then threatened to leave him if he wouldn't kill her husband? Or the 42-year-old banging the 17-year-old?

It almost makes me feel bad for the one who "merely" banged her 18-year-old student at the age of 22.

Final, obvious question: where the fuck where these women when I was in high school??

I'm fucking Matt Damon and Ben Affleck

You've probably seen these by now, but just in case you haven't:



...and you know Jimmy Kimmel wouldn't let that slide, so his response:

Tickle Me Harder

Alanis Morisette covering "My Humps"

I'm sure you've seen/heard this by now, but I feel the need to highlight it again. Because it's fucking awesome.

Schadenfreude

I know it makes me a bad person, but I take surprisingly immense satisfaction from the comeuppance just doled out to the first-time parents on the documentary I just watched. Mom and dad are (inevitably Republican) Florida douchenozzles. Mom energetically told the camera, "I go for long walks every day because it's going to keep me limber and give me an easier birth!" and insisted on an "all-natural" water birth. Dad explained that while mom was going through the pain of childbirth, he had to endure the pain of giving up his vintage Porsche in favor of the more "family friendly" Hummer.

Mom's mom wrung her hands about the water birth saying, "You know, sweety, at the hospital if the pain becomes too much, they inject you with drugs and the pain goes away. At the birthing center, there are no drugs." Ditzy mom replies, "Oh mom, it will be fine! It will be wonderful!"

Cut to delivery. 9 hours of labor and still not ready to push. Expression on mom's face says, "OOOHHHHH! When you said it hurts, you meant it fucking _hurts_!" Mom is screaming. Nick gets immense satisfaction from the suffering of Ms. Twinkle Tits who didn't have the goddamn humility to think to herself, "Maybe I should listen to the woman who had three children when she tells me it's going to be a level of pain that causes anything else I have experienced in my young, spoiled life to pale in comparison."

People: anesthesia is the greatest discovery of modern science. Use it, you twits.

Implants. For your tattoo.

Oh, for fuck's sake...how fucking bored do you have to be to decide to get implants in order to make your tattoo's tits look better?!

Besides, just buying actual implants would be way more fun. I don't mean actually have surgery. I just mean get the implants and, you know, keep them around the house. I have to imagine that would constitute _days_ of entertainment for the average American male (who, let's remember, has the attention span of a puppy with ADD and the sophistication of a titmouse).

Wine Rack

Perhaps the greatest invention ever?

Important philosophical questions about babies

Maybe you've seen How Many Five Year Olds Could You Take In a Fight. Maybe you've taken the test. Maybe you've decided, as we have, that the results vastly underestimate the true value. Most people seem to get a result in the 20s, which, let's be honest, is ridiculous. They're five-year-olds, people. How long one can keep sending lifeless, five-year-old corpses flying into the walls with the satisfyingly wet, meaty "slap" that only soft, child-flesh can make is simply a matter of how long it would take you to get tired. And frankly, you could easily keep delivering lethal kicks while sipping an Evian and munching on a Power Bar. I think it's clear that your average 20-something male could easily..._easily_...work his way through 60 five-year olds.

But, you know, that's simply one of many important philosophical questions. The classic one, which we spent much of our college careers pursuing, is whether you could break a window by throwing a baby at it.

Now, hold on...I know. I know! You're thinking, "That's horrible! How can you ask that...without clarifying what you mean?" You're totally right. There are way too many variables here. How old is the baby? How much has its skull hardened? If it's still soft, that's just going to absorb the impact, and you're going to be left with an annoyingly intact window. Do you get a wind-up? How far are you throwing the baby from? Is the glass double-paned? Can pneumatic launchers be employed? If not, can simpler, more historical devices be employed like, for instance, a trebuchet? (can't you picture it? a cute little ballistic bundle sailing gracefully through the air?...) And, hell, are you allowed to freeze the baby before tossing it? I mean, clearly, a frozen baby is going to be able to do a hell of a lot more damaged than one of those annoyingly live, squirmy ones.

So, ok, let's not let this get ridiculous. Live baby. 3 months old. You must launch the baby using your arms, and it must be released 10 feet in front of a standard, double-paned, front-of-your-house storm window. What do you think?

If it's me, I think I'm going to go with no. Can't be done. I think the soft baby-flesh is going to absorb too much of the energy, and I don't think even the most adept hammer-toss Olympian can imbue that child with enough momentum to truly shatter the glass.

I could be wrong. Maybe the tender baby meat is much less important than the sheer mass of the child, and it would put even the finest cannon ball to shame. I would like nothing more than to imagine one of the many babies that have made my transcontinental plane rides crashing through a window like a Butterball launched from a railgun, but I'm just not sure it would fly.

Anybody want to argue with me?

The tragic case of Jenna Jameson

Jenna Jameson's name is virtually synonymous with porn. She is (or was) _the_ quintessential porn star, and she has built her own media empire around her name. Many was the teenage masturbatory fantasy built around that woman. In fact, if there were an all-time wank fantasy hall of fame, she'd be the first inductee.

It was shocking, therefore...and _horrifying_...to behold her modern visage (on some tv show recently). Did I mention horrifying? Because that's what this before and after picture is: horrifying.



Here's an alternate page just to show you, yes, she really is that busted.

Ladies and gentlemen, a moment of silence, please, for the fall of a porn legend. Our prayers are with her and her newly undead body.

Girls Next Door

I've wanted to write more funny stuff here. So, I'm going to, you know, do that. Although this one is cheating...I'm stealing from an email I wrote (two, technically). But damnit, I made myself laugh.

-----

My roommate and I were watching Girls Next Door. If you're unfamiliar with the show, it's half an hour of the profound philosophical musings of Hugh Heffner's cadre of bimbos. Anyway, the show was following Hootie McBoob or Chesty Larue or Busty St. Clair or whatever the fuck her name was, and apparently the powers that be deemed her worthy of having a radio show on Playboy Radio where she and her dog host.

Don't worry...yes, there were a lot of things wrong with that sentence, so I'll go back.

Let's ignore for a moment that she's hosting with her _dog_. Let's ignore the fact her dog is in her purse...her bright pink purse...with its own microphone. That's not even the part that makes my brain hurt.

What makes my brain hurt is that she's on Playboy radio. Playboy. RADIO. The fact that Playboy Radio exists means that sometime, somewhere, there was some douchenozzle at a photo shoot where some peroxide blond with big ol' fake titties was smiling vacantly at the camera, and said douchenozzle stared at her for a moment and said to himself, "You know what that girl's most marketable attribute is? Her witty banter!"

It reminded me of the time I read the article about how they were opening a Hooters in Shanghai. Or rather, I didn't so much read the article as I read the headline and then laughed, and laughed, and laughed...

(I asked my friend Matt who lives in China about it. He said, "It's as ridiculous as you think. The girls there are jealous of the walls.")

I don't understand the cult of Hef. I think they do probably bang him (I heard someone on Law and Order actually use the term "shtupp," which is, I've decided, one of the dumbest euphemisms for boning) in the interests of furthering their careers. What I want to know is: do any of the girls actually find him attractive? Are any of them _not_ cringing when he hobbles towards them with viagra-fueled, geriatric lust in his eyes? With his freakish night-of-the-living-dead cock waving threateningly from his raisin-like form? I mean, I realize that attraction tends to be less visual and more about personality for women, but for fuck's sake there must be a line...

(did you throw up in your mouth a little there?)

Inappropriate Children's Book Covers

Personal favorite: "The Invisible Child-Eating Crocodiles That Live Absolutely Everywhere."

AKC champion names

I direct you, dear reader, to the exhaustive list of this year's AKC champions. If you're not laughing after 3 names, there's something wrong with you.

Because I love the breed, let me highlight this year's Basset champion: Champion Topfields-Cloverhill Buggy Bumpers. If that isn't the greatest name for a dog, I don't know what is.

Superstupid Superdelegates

Okay. I admit it. In this one instance, the Republicans got something right that the Democrats fucked up.

I refer, of course, to the Democratic institution of "superdelegates." You can read all about it here in Wikipedia, but basically superdelegates were a mechanism to maintain the power of the party leadership. Period. These Democratic leaders decided they didn't like, you know, democracy. So, being all-wise, they decided that their vote should count more than the Democratic electorate. You know...all animals are equal, but some are more equal than others. That kind of thing. Orwell would be proud.

There are many ironies here. The first and most obvious is that the Democratic party is un-democratic. The second is that the rules were changed in response to the results of the 1980 election. In the 1984 election, the sage leaders of the party overrode the popular vote to nominate...Walter Mondale. Who, as we all know, went on to great fame and fortune having soundly defeated the re-election attempt of Ronald Reagan.

.....

Right.

And now, it's looking like there's a strong possibility that superdelegate support for Hillary Clinton is going to override popular support for Barack Obama. Yet again, the superdelegate system is going to prop up the entrenched aristocracy of the Democratic party in the form of Clinton party loyalists. The same people, let's remember, who managed to cede Congressional control to the Republicans in 1994 and orchestrate spectacular losses to George W. Bush. Twice.

Allow me to reiterate that because it's important: They lost to the dumbest and most corrupt Republican figure in modern history. Twice.

It was only when Howard Dean took over party leadership that they managed to barely scrape together a majority (with no small amount of help from spectacular Republican implosions).

Now, that system has worked so well that they're going to wave their hands dismissively at the first Democratic figure in my lifetime who has traditionally Republican voters considering supporting him in favor of the one figure in America whose name alone can reliably raise the blood pressure of half the country by at least 30 points.

God, the ineptitude of the modern Democratic party is staggering...

Explain this Freudian slip to me

Today in "Look at these assholes!"

Seriously. Look at these assholes.

Jon Stewart's choice words for Mitt Romney

Lest you labor under any delusion that Mitt Romney is anything but an utter and complete douchenozzle:

We're awesome

The NYT says so.

Science fiction projects and their actual cost

An interesting little list compiled by Wired on a few sci-fi-ish projects and what they would actually cost to do. Example: a maglev train that could "beat an airliner" from New York to LA would be $70 billion. (I suspect it's really more than that considering the terrain sculpting, testing, etc. that would be entailed).

Totally hetero

Ted Haggard has realized he is totally hetero.

Well, my fears are assuaged. How many of us breeders _haven't_ considered repeatedly hiring a gay prostitute?

Basset vs. vacuum

I'm sure it's partly that I grew up with a basset hound, but I love this video. I crack up every time I watch it.

Obama vs. Hillary

Well, it seems to be coming down to this: will the Democratic party continue its long and distinguished history of choosing a fundamentally unelectable candidate by nominating Hillary Clinton, or will they actually go with a centrist who has momentum and can pick up independent voters and voters who don't usually come out for elections (by nominating Obama)?

The more I listen to Clinton, the more her voice grates on me. It just _sounds_ insincere. I heard her on NPR talking about how she's sat down with people and had delicious local microbrews with them, and I wanted to gag. She's simultaneously a political panderer and yet, at the same time, reviled by much of the country. It's like she has the worst of both worlds: she says what she thinks people want to hear, and they still hate her. Bleh. I can think of no better way to rally conservatives than to nominate her. And it depresses the hell out of me to think she might just get it.

As for Obama, I admit preferring him not because of any of his policies (in fact, I think Clinton's health care plan, which includes mandated coverage, is a better idea, though admittedly harder to sell) but simply because he's "new guard." I feel strongly that anyone who voted for the war resolution ought not to keep their job, and they sure as hell don't get to be promoted. Pragmatically, I think Obama's right that McCain will be able to nail Clinton on this point. She voted for the war. Period. As much as she tries to wriggle out of it, she voted for the fucking war. She rubber-stamped Bush. She went with the political winds, and that's not a quality people gravitate to in a potential President.

Yes, I know, "it's the economy, stupid." But on some level, it does come down to personality. Hillary really is unlikable, and she will continue to be unlikable no matter how much crying she does or how much she spins herself.

And speaking of the crying, it will backfire. It will gain her a certain portion of the female vote who will sympathize with her, but there's no way the American machismo will allow itself to vote for a girl who cries during press conferences. And frankly, I don't think that's necessarily something to condemn it for. Yes, machismo goes too far when it engages in "bring it on!" testosterone-laden cowboy diplomacy, but I'm sorry, stoicism is something you want in a leader. People don't follow leaders who visibly break down. We don't want leaders who are human. We'll vote for Sarah Connor, not Bridget Jones, for fuck's sake.

Is this really the kind of candidate you want to have? When you can have this?

When being a klutz is fatal

Eep?

"...He immediately withdrew the hand holding the brick, but was struck by an ill-timed case of butterfingers. He dropped the brick into the center of the assembly. He instinctively pushed the brick away from the assembly with his right hand, which immediately became enveloped in the blue glow that was now surrounding the plutonium.

At 9:55, Daghlian partially disassembled the experiment and went to the hospital to have someone look at his tingly, glowing blue hand."