This month sucks

First Russert, now Carlin.

Goddamnit.

"The good die young, but dicks live forever." -- Lewis Black

YouTubery on female anatomy

First, laugh:

Then, be horrified:

A Biblical depiction of history

Baconhenge!

It's Baconhenge. Enough said.

Talking Jesus!

I can't figure out who the voice of Jesus is. Not quite James Earl Jones, not quite Christopher Walken...hmm...

Umm...happy Father's Day?

"I'm voting Republican!"

The atheist's banana nightmare revisited

I pointed out how Kirk Cameron so devastatingly refused my atheism with the design obvious in a banana previously. Turns out, while there was some design to it, it wasn't really divine:



P.S. Remember this? Oh, it still makes me laugh. Then cry. But laugh first!

Infertility rant

Okay, seriously? I have exactly zero sympathy for bourgeois whining about the hardships of infertility. Don't compare the "suffering" of your "disease" to, you know, actual suffering and actual disease.

1. The world is already over-populated, and it's only getting worse. Your gas wouldn't cost so goddamn much if there weren't a billion people over in India and China who are suddenly discovering, "Heeeey...you mean, we don't have to live in squalor? And these 'vehicles' you speak of..." We don't need your own personal screaming shit factory adding to the problems.
   
2. Last I checked, the world was still full of unwanted babies and parent-less children in orphanages. If you want a baby so much, shut up, get over your goddamn genetic protectionism, and adopt one of them.

For fuck's sake...Americans get worked up over the dumbest shit...

Huffington on "balance"

You know, Huffington may have a slightly batty, schizophrenic history, but it's nice to hear someone finally saying in a public forum what I've been complaining about for a while (i.e., the idea of "balanced" media coverage is stupid).

Aww...

Poor guy...

"One Possible Explanation"

Penny Arcade's take on Jack Thompson:

Jack Thompson: still an asshole

Not worth another Daily Douchebag, but just in case you were wondering: yup, Jack Thompson is still an asshole.

I am not not confused

Yet another in my series of "Reappropriating Private Email Correspondences for Public Amusement" postings:

On Jun 4, 2008, at 2:13 PM, O wrote:

"All of the following reasons are disadvantages to investing in alternatives assets except: "

Mind you, alternatives assets are the ones with features that are generally not like 'regular' assets.

So the question is basically asking, "What should you not consider when you don't want to invest in assets that are not like the usual types of assets?"

And that would be one of the easy questions.

Saturday is going to suck.

O
-----

On Wed, Jun 4, 2008 at 7:45 PM, N wrote:

I am not not confused.

-----

On Jun 4, 2008, at 5:08 PM, Q wrote:

Which of the follow options, where you to not be unconfused, would most strongly not further confound the bemusement if said option were to be disregard?

A) Fish
B) A porpoise
C) The number 7
D) Yes

-----

On Jun 4, 2008, at 5:15 PM, N wrote:

Which choice of the below would most strongly fail to unconfuse you were it not to be an option?

A) D
B) A
C) B
D) C

"Bury me in my can"

"He...he...*snurfle*...he popped but then he just couldn't...*snurfle*...couldn't stop!!! *piteous sobbing*"

"My Chest Is a Complicated Place"

Another cool essay on Nerve by the same girl who wrote the NYT piece a while back.

A whole essay about boobs: what's not to like? (Ok, fine, so technically it's about boobs and what's underneath, but details...)

Sacrilicious

Mmmm...sacrilicious. :)

Since I haven't posted in a while, here:

Flying Penis Disrupts Russian Meeting

Okay, that's _definitely_ not something you see every day...

Icelandic Phallogical Museum

Donate your penis to science!!!

"One species conspicuous by its absence is homo sapiens, but that may soon be rectified since a German, an American, an Icelander and a Briton have promised to donate their organs after death, according to certificates on display.

The American, 52-year-old Stan Underwood, supplied a written description of his penis -- which he purportedly nick-named 'Elmo' -- for display alongside a life-size plastic mould of the member as well as his pledge to donate it."

Also, this isn't creepy _at all_:

"He said he began collecting penises 24 years ago, when working as a school administrator, with little notion he would one day be running a museum devoted to the subject."

Stealing dad's credit card to buy hookers

Okay, no part of this article isn't funny. There's honestly nothing I can add to it to make it any better.

Folding proteins for fun and profit

I think this is probably one of if not _the_ coolest thing to come out of our department. They managed to make a game out of folding proteins! Now your procrastination could actually cure disease!

Standards

Okay, seriously...if we somehow agree that it's not okay for 16-year-olds to vote, why the fuck can't we agree that it's not okay for retards to vote?

...and before you object, remember that not only do they believe that Obama is an anti-American Muslim, they also _said so to a reporter_.

Bad ideas include

Leaving "cystic fibrosis porn" in my Google search windows in the lab for anyone and everyone to see is probably a bad idea, huh?

Horrifying discovery

I have recently discovered that not only do I like _more than one_ dance remix of Britney Spears shit, there's even a remix of fucking Miley Cyrus I like. And there's a Justin Timberlake song that's been on my iPod for a while now.

Isn't the next logical step here that I excitedly tell my friends I just got my first period?

The truth of graduate student life (in comic form)

I wish this weren't so sadly accurate.

Your daily douchebag (5/5/08)

You know, every time I swear I'm not going to give Jack Thompson another Daily Douchebag, he does something that brings douchebaggery to an entirely new level.

"Hmm...I've said pretty much every douchbaggy thing that could ever be said...how can I add that extra 'oomph!' that says, '_That_ man is no ordinary douchebag. Truly, he is a titan among douchebags!'? I know! Instead of sending a threatening email to my adversary, send it to his mother!"

Fuck Clinton redux

Okay, I now officially hate Hillary Clinton. What utter, pandering, anti-intellectual, Republican horse shit. This is exactly the same kind of "Fuck the 'experts' and their 'knowledge' and 'intimate understanding of all the relevant details'" crap that turned Iraq into the shit-storm it now is.

I never thought there would be anything that would cause me to not vote against a Republican, but this is getting _very_ close...

Haven't we all, at some point in our lives, thought...

"...you know what? Fuck it. I'm going to go fuck a penguin."

Facebook in reality

Clarence Thomas apparently likes Egg McMuffins

What happens when you write celebrities and serial killers posing as a 10-year-old boy? Do you get valuable advice, or do you get mysterious pictures of barns? Find out!

Surely this is a sign of the apocalypse

Break the Ice

I dig the dark, anime, Trinity-esque Britney, and I like the song (which I must admit I bought from the iTunes store).

AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I bet you thought there was no such thing as a partially completed surgery. Apparently, in China, you're wrong.

*clutches knees, rocks back and forth in corner, whimpering...*

Signs I am a bad person

I reply to "Happy Earth Day!" with, "So, you're saying I should _stop_ suffocating the baby seal with this plastic bag?"

The whosiwhatsisnow?

You heard me. The Toast of Botswana.

Also, why does this paragraph make me feel so defensive?:

"Although infertile, the hybrid had a very active libido, mounting both ewes and does when they were not in heat. This earned the hybrid the name Bemya or rapist. He was castrated when he was 10 months old because he was becoming a nuisance."

A thought on having sex with your lawn furniture

Okay, yes, creepy. But isn't this a victimless crime? If the guy can seriously get his rocks off by boning an umbrella stand, why shouldn't he be able to do that? He doesn't bother any women (or little boys), and there's no chance that it could accidentally involve passing on his umbrella-humping genes. Isn't this pretty much ideal?

Let natural selection do its work, for fuck's sake!

I am retarded

I can't stop laughing at this.

GodDAMN that must have hurt...

Disturbing sex toys

I mean, whatever...you're into what you're into. But...but...really? Really?!

Erotic Jesus

From the article:

"But the most disputed work was 'Leonardo's Last Supper, restored by Pier Paolo Pasolini' which showed cavorting Apostles sprawling over the dining table and masturbating each other."

You know, I can see why some people might be a wee upset about that...

It got me thinking though. Having a bunch of biblical figures jerking each other off is just cheap attention-whoring (although still awesome, don't get me wrong...I approve of the transgression of any and all lines of propriety). And frankly, it's not that erotic.

So what if you really did make a truly erotic Jesus? You know, like a Jesus in seductive poses, winking at the camera, showing cleavage. Now _that_ would be an erotic Jesus. A quick Google search for "sexy Jesus" reveals a comic entitled, "The Adventures of Sexy Jesus," which is a start, but I think there's far more marketability here. Anyone want to start a business and get rich?

The George Bush Sewage Treatment Plant

God bless San Francisco.

Bacon bra!

I think the picture speaks for itself.

(and yes, fine, props to J since she keeps complaining that she gets no credit)

Need a slightly used rubber fist?

Here ya go!

JesusPan

"Put the image of Jesus RIGHT ON FOOD!"

Cultural evolution

I just had an important discussion that has advanced the state of popular culture, and I feel it should be summarized here for posterity lest it be lost to the mists of history (it was too long to include verbatim).

I was commenting on my already well-documented love of the phrase "douchenozzle." It was pointed out to me that this is really a term that can justifiably be applied only to guys, which is true. I proposed that the shortened "nozzle" might be a more fitting general purpose derogatory term with less of a gender-specific connotation that still maintains the feel of the full "douchenozzle." A vote was held, and the motion carried. Henceforth, please begin referring to people that annoy you as "nozzles."

For variety, you can also refer to people as "fucknozzles." It's longer and more satisfying (that's what she said?...), and has more of the spitting staccato that you want out of a swear. Example:

"Nick, you're such a retard..."

"Hey, you know what? You can go fuck yourself, you fucking fucknozzle."

See? It's fantastic.

There was, incidentally, a final twist in the conversation that led to an agreement that Fucknozzle sounds like a character you would find on "Muppets After Dark." Can't you just picture Kermit, Ms. Piggy, Fozzy, and Fucknozzle hanging around a dark alley smoking cigarettes? Or maybe they're holding an intervention for Fucknozzle. That seems strangely appropriate.

My warped mind

When I saw an ad that said, "Wondering if you have a gambling problem? Call the National Gambling Addiction Hotline," the first thing I thought to myself was, "Dude, they totally should have put, 'Hey, we bet you $10 you won't call! Eh? Eh?'"

Does that make me a bad person?

I'm going to go ahead and assume yes...

He's having a baby

*jaw falls on floor, brain explodes*

(courtesy MrsMalkav)

The Steep Price of Our Forbidden Kiss

I don't post a lot of serious stuff here (at least not things I'm not about to angrily rant about), but this New York Times piece by a girl with cystic fibrosis touched me deeply. I've never read something so...familiar. Familiar because it speaks to what being young and chronically ill does to your life.

What's it gonna be?

The Greatest Drunk on Earth

I have a new hero.

Making babies is complicated (nsfw)

You know? It's probably just that it's 2 in the morning and I'm in a weird mood, but this amused me as much as it left me feeling really, really strange. (click to view it so you can actually see it)

I think the schooner is my favorite part.

Misheard Numa lyrics

You're all sick little monkeys

For fuck's sake people...what the hell is wrong with you? That shit was posted two _months_ ago, and it still constitutes 40 goddamn percent of the traffic to this blog! Good lord! There's much better porn out there, I swear!

"Which giant, high-fructose-corn-syrup megacorps own your favorite hippie organic microbrands?"

...and you people wonder why I'm such a cynic.

Hate groups in the US

This map of hate groups in the US is interesting to me for only one reason: South Dakota seems to have no race hate groups whatsoever.

Want to know why?

BECAUSE THERE ARE NO GODDAMN PEOPLE IN SOUTH DAKOTA TO BEGIN WITH.

Skippy's List addendum

I didn't notice there was a user-submitted addendum to Skippy's List!!!

I nearly pissed myself at this one:

"Combining blanks and cleaning rods in the M16A2 rifle is not an acceptable means of acquiring 'meat for the tribe.' It should be noted it’s a bitch unpinning a squirrel from a tree and you NEVER get your cleaning rod back."

The tragedy of the tutu

This is what I apparently do instead of research.

-----

Subject: This shall not stand!

I write to you, gentle-folk, to tell you of a travesty of staggering proportions. I arrived in the systems lab and immediately felt, in the depths of my soul, that something was deeply, deeply wrong. For a time, I could not fathom what was amiss, but the room felt dark, as if a savage murder had been committed here many years ago.

It was only when R pointed, her hand quivering as her brain undoubtedly struggled to process the savage deed, at the garbage can that my malady gained focus. My face blanched, and my jaw dropped agape, as I beheld the horror.

There, cruelly scrunched in pink mourning, lay my beloved tutu.

It is here that I must hastily remind you to breathe, gentle reader, for I was quick to save the poor thing from its fate. Disaster has, fear not, been averted. But, oh, the savagery of it! That the clearly soulless walking corpse that Shall Not Be Named but shall be referred to only as ******** ******** could behold the majesty of such a tutu, could be bathed in its wonder, and still, with malice aforethought and cruel intent, brazenly toss it in the garbage as one might a common candy wrapper or banana peel, shakes me to my very core!

What has this world come to, I ask you! What depraved state has this world decayed to that a tutu...a shiny, elegant, pink tutu...should, instead of inspiring the beholder to exclaim with glee, "Oh! The joy! The wonder! Let us hold a Pretty Pretty Princess Party in celebration of such a fine specimen of a tutu such as this!", incite a colder, darker response more along the lines of, "Bah! What a wretched tutu! Quickly! Brush it into the waste bin like so much refuse so that this one piercing ray of hope and light in my horrible world can be extinguished and I can return to my dull, dreary existence of kicking puppies and raping chickens (or vice versa)"?

This shall not stand, friends! This is a call to arms! If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem! Stay vigilant! You may think to yourself, "Surely _I_ could not return to my office to find a tutu massacred into a wastebasket! Such tragedies only befall the morally corrupt and the less attractive! Surely I will never endure such trauma!" If you delude yourself thus, know this, friends: I was once like you. I skipped through life as you do, oblivious to this dark, savage side of the human spirit. But then today happened, and I will never be the same. Part of me died today, and the human soul is a delicate thing that, like a central nervous system neuron, is bestowed upon birth and cannot regenerate if damaged.

So take care, dear comrades. Nefarious forces are at work. Cast not a blind eye towards such depravity. The soul you save may be your own.

Nick

P.S. To pre-empt the obvious question, no, I don't actually ever do any real work. Just ask ******** ********.

Let's go for a walk in the park!...

You know, this _sounds_ good at first. But then you have to remember that not only are most people unattractive (more so naked), but that when two ugly people find each other, they have been sex-starved for so long that they fuck like _bunnies_. Any time, anywhere. So, I'd bet you dollars-to-donuts that that park will soon be filled with obese, hairy, sweaty bodies writing against each other. The first phrase to enter your head will not so much be "hot XXX action!" so much as "struggling, beached whale."

Dirty, dirty teens

Gah!

Well, that's the last time _I_ fuck a 14-year-old...

(I know, I'm a horrible person)

Hippy pop medicine

Comment by airhead hippy midwife on Discovery Health documentary:

"Water: nature's epidural! Tee hee!"

Umm...no. No. I'm sorry, no. Just...just...no.

God...damn...hipp-ays!!!...

Tree births

Just in case you thought the babies/windows incident was isolated, I give you the following IM conversation. I'm really...special...aren't I?

-----

Nick: I just heard the following on television:
Nick: : a flash flood forces a woman to give birth in a tree. Next, on Amazing Births!
Nick: Umm...tree?
J: ... and you think that epidurals are where its at
J: fuck that
J: i want a tree birth
Nick: oh hell...what have I done?...
Nick: heh
Nick: hehehehehe...
J: boil some water and get me some rope
Nick: hehehehehehe
Nick: you know what I'm thinking, right?:
Nick: "PUSH!!!..."
Nick: "....................................."
Nick: ".......*thunk!*"
J: sigh
Nick: can a placenta serve as a bungie cord?
J: its just like throwing a baby at a window, right, nick?
J: ouch
Nick: hee....hehehe...
Nick: boing...boing...boing...
Nick: ok....ok...whoo...ok...I'm ok. I'm can stop laughing...
J: nick nick nick
Nick: how long is the placenta? Could she toss the baby to the shore and then use the cord to climb to safety?
J: i don't think you have all your facts straight
Nick: alternatively, could it be used to construct an ad-hoc slingshot, a la wyle e. coyote?
J: ACME
J: i love spam
Nick: hmm...and the placenta is how the baby gets oxygen, right? Can that work in reverse? Could mom use the newborn as a snorkel?
Nick: jesus christ the possibilities are endless!
J: this is frightening
J: and unpleasant
Nick: They should make a PSA informing women in flood-prone areas to be pregnant!
Nick: what, you want the woman to drown?!
Nick: she has a newborn baby!
Nick: I'm just trying to figure out how to save them.
Nick: I don't hear you coming up with any bright ideas.
J: i think they should stay in the tree
J: forever
Nick: that's just stupid. they'd run out of food.
J: we've already discussed that they can eat the placenta
Nick: Although maybe if the tree were fruit-bearing, and the baby were sticky, you could throw it at the high-up fruit...

A doozie of a moral conundrum

I actually find this British debate over what is and is not allowed when performing IVF to be fascinating. This seems one of the first real-world examples of what has traditionally been merely an amusing topic for the philosophically inclined over cups of chai.

The issue is this: a deaf couple wants to ensure, via IVF, that their next child is also deaf. The question is simple: should that be allowed?

Seems simple. The more you think about it, though, the more your brain gets tied in knots. Shouldn't a couple be able to control their ability to reproduce? Does it really matter whether they use scientific tools to more carefully control the nature of their child? Aren't they already doing that just by using IVF in the first place? Why shouldn't they be able to manipulate specific features of the embryo? Wouldn't you want to be able to ensure your child is healthy? Is ensuring your child is deaf, if you think deafness is important for the child, no different?

And yet, it's different. I'm sorry, but deafness is a disability. It's great that the deaf community has found energy and power in their disability by embracing it rather than let it impair them, but that doesn't change the fact that it's a disability. The anatomy of human beings is structured to allow hearing. If the sense of hearing doesn't work, that's a malfunction. And it seems wrong to intentionally damage a child in that way from the get-go. Would we let a parents ask a doctor to sever aural nerves? Fuck no. That would be child abuse. How is this any different?

If they are proud of deaf culture, fine. Physically disabling a child in order to force it to have to participate in that culture is wrong. If it's that important, the child gets to hear by default. When it reaches an age where it's capable of consent, it can choose to become deaf if it really wants to.

And that's what I think about that.

Your daily douchebag (02/10/08)

...to Oklahoma State Rep. Sally Kern. Not just for being a homophobic douchenozzle, but for being recorded being a homophobic douchenozzle.

I am a cliche

It's 1 am. I'm starting to work on my research project. My computer science research project. To one side of me is a can of Mountain Dew. To the other is a pair of Hot Pockets.

I think all I need now is a pocket protector and the phrase "hot elf action" in my search history, and my nerdery would be complete...

A deep thought

Fuck Hillary.

That is all.

Kitten cannon

Go directly to hell. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. In fact, get in the express line...

Bad McCain

No biscuit.

There are so many things wrong with this news item, I don't even know where to start

How...why..."slipped out"???...

*brain explodes*

18 Sexiest Sex Offenders

I feel...dirty.

I'm not sure who wins here. The woman who had the love-child with her 13-year-old student? The one who held a "win a date with a teacher" contest? The one who seduced the 15-year-old and then threatened to leave him if he wouldn't kill her husband? Or the 42-year-old banging the 17-year-old?

It almost makes me feel bad for the one who "merely" banged her 18-year-old student at the age of 22.

Final, obvious question: where the fuck where these women when I was in high school??

I'm fucking Matt Damon and Ben Affleck

You've probably seen these by now, but just in case you haven't:



...and you know Jimmy Kimmel wouldn't let that slide, so his response:

Tickle Me Harder

Alanis Morisette covering "My Humps"

I'm sure you've seen/heard this by now, but I feel the need to highlight it again. Because it's fucking awesome.

Schadenfreude

I know it makes me a bad person, but I take surprisingly immense satisfaction from the comeuppance just doled out to the first-time parents on the documentary I just watched. Mom and dad are (inevitably Republican) Florida douchenozzles. Mom energetically told the camera, "I go for long walks every day because it's going to keep me limber and give me an easier birth!" and insisted on an "all-natural" water birth. Dad explained that while mom was going through the pain of childbirth, he had to endure the pain of giving up his vintage Porsche in favor of the more "family friendly" Hummer.

Mom's mom wrung her hands about the water birth saying, "You know, sweety, at the hospital if the pain becomes too much, they inject you with drugs and the pain goes away. At the birthing center, there are no drugs." Ditzy mom replies, "Oh mom, it will be fine! It will be wonderful!"

Cut to delivery. 9 hours of labor and still not ready to push. Expression on mom's face says, "OOOHHHHH! When you said it hurts, you meant it fucking _hurts_!" Mom is screaming. Nick gets immense satisfaction from the suffering of Ms. Twinkle Tits who didn't have the goddamn humility to think to herself, "Maybe I should listen to the woman who had three children when she tells me it's going to be a level of pain that causes anything else I have experienced in my young, spoiled life to pale in comparison."

People: anesthesia is the greatest discovery of modern science. Use it, you twits.

Implants. For your tattoo.

Oh, for fuck's sake...how fucking bored do you have to be to decide to get implants in order to make your tattoo's tits look better?!

Besides, just buying actual implants would be way more fun. I don't mean actually have surgery. I just mean get the implants and, you know, keep them around the house. I have to imagine that would constitute _days_ of entertainment for the average American male (who, let's remember, has the attention span of a puppy with ADD and the sophistication of a titmouse).

Wine Rack

Perhaps the greatest invention ever?

Important philosophical questions about babies

Maybe you've seen How Many Five Year Olds Could You Take In a Fight. Maybe you've taken the test. Maybe you've decided, as we have, that the results vastly underestimate the true value. Most people seem to get a result in the 20s, which, let's be honest, is ridiculous. They're five-year-olds, people. How long one can keep sending lifeless, five-year-old corpses flying into the walls with the satisfyingly wet, meaty "slap" that only soft, child-flesh can make is simply a matter of how long it would take you to get tired. And frankly, you could easily keep delivering lethal kicks while sipping an Evian and munching on a Power Bar. I think it's clear that your average 20-something male could easily..._easily_...work his way through 60 five-year olds.

But, you know, that's simply one of many important philosophical questions. The classic one, which we spent much of our college careers pursuing, is whether you could break a window by throwing a baby at it.

Now, hold on...I know. I know! You're thinking, "That's horrible! How can you ask that...without clarifying what you mean?" You're totally right. There are way too many variables here. How old is the baby? How much has its skull hardened? If it's still soft, that's just going to absorb the impact, and you're going to be left with an annoyingly intact window. Do you get a wind-up? How far are you throwing the baby from? Is the glass double-paned? Can pneumatic launchers be employed? If not, can simpler, more historical devices be employed like, for instance, a trebuchet? (can't you picture it? a cute little ballistic bundle sailing gracefully through the air?...) And, hell, are you allowed to freeze the baby before tossing it? I mean, clearly, a frozen baby is going to be able to do a hell of a lot more damaged than one of those annoyingly live, squirmy ones.

So, ok, let's not let this get ridiculous. Live baby. 3 months old. You must launch the baby using your arms, and it must be released 10 feet in front of a standard, double-paned, front-of-your-house storm window. What do you think?

If it's me, I think I'm going to go with no. Can't be done. I think the soft baby-flesh is going to absorb too much of the energy, and I don't think even the most adept hammer-toss Olympian can imbue that child with enough momentum to truly shatter the glass.

I could be wrong. Maybe the tender baby meat is much less important than the sheer mass of the child, and it would put even the finest cannon ball to shame. I would like nothing more than to imagine one of the many babies that have made my transcontinental plane rides crashing through a window like a Butterball launched from a railgun, but I'm just not sure it would fly.

Anybody want to argue with me?

The tragic case of Jenna Jameson

Jenna Jameson's name is virtually synonymous with porn. She is (or was) _the_ quintessential porn star, and she has built her own media empire around her name. Many was the teenage masturbatory fantasy built around that woman. In fact, if there were an all-time wank fantasy hall of fame, she'd be the first inductee.

It was shocking, therefore...and _horrifying_...to behold her modern visage (on some tv show recently). Did I mention horrifying? Because that's what this before and after picture is: horrifying.



Here's an alternate page just to show you, yes, she really is that busted.

Ladies and gentlemen, a moment of silence, please, for the fall of a porn legend. Our prayers are with her and her newly undead body.

Girls Next Door

I've wanted to write more funny stuff here. So, I'm going to, you know, do that. Although this one is cheating...I'm stealing from an email I wrote (two, technically). But damnit, I made myself laugh.

-----

My roommate and I were watching Girls Next Door. If you're unfamiliar with the show, it's half an hour of the profound philosophical musings of Hugh Heffner's cadre of bimbos. Anyway, the show was following Hootie McBoob or Chesty Larue or Busty St. Clair or whatever the fuck her name was, and apparently the powers that be deemed her worthy of having a radio show on Playboy Radio where she and her dog host.

Don't worry...yes, there were a lot of things wrong with that sentence, so I'll go back.

Let's ignore for a moment that she's hosting with her _dog_. Let's ignore the fact her dog is in her purse...her bright pink purse...with its own microphone. That's not even the part that makes my brain hurt.

What makes my brain hurt is that she's on Playboy radio. Playboy. RADIO. The fact that Playboy Radio exists means that sometime, somewhere, there was some douchenozzle at a photo shoot where some peroxide blond with big ol' fake titties was smiling vacantly at the camera, and said douchenozzle stared at her for a moment and said to himself, "You know what that girl's most marketable attribute is? Her witty banter!"

It reminded me of the time I read the article about how they were opening a Hooters in Shanghai. Or rather, I didn't so much read the article as I read the headline and then laughed, and laughed, and laughed...

(I asked my friend Matt who lives in China about it. He said, "It's as ridiculous as you think. The girls there are jealous of the walls.")

I don't understand the cult of Hef. I think they do probably bang him (I heard someone on Law and Order actually use the term "shtupp," which is, I've decided, one of the dumbest euphemisms for boning) in the interests of furthering their careers. What I want to know is: do any of the girls actually find him attractive? Are any of them _not_ cringing when he hobbles towards them with viagra-fueled, geriatric lust in his eyes? With his freakish night-of-the-living-dead cock waving threateningly from his raisin-like form? I mean, I realize that attraction tends to be less visual and more about personality for women, but for fuck's sake there must be a line...

(did you throw up in your mouth a little there?)

Inappropriate Children's Book Covers

Personal favorite: "The Invisible Child-Eating Crocodiles That Live Absolutely Everywhere."

AKC champion names

I direct you, dear reader, to the exhaustive list of this year's AKC champions. If you're not laughing after 3 names, there's something wrong with you.

Because I love the breed, let me highlight this year's Basset champion: Champion Topfields-Cloverhill Buggy Bumpers. If that isn't the greatest name for a dog, I don't know what is.

Superstupid Superdelegates

Okay. I admit it. In this one instance, the Republicans got something right that the Democrats fucked up.

I refer, of course, to the Democratic institution of "superdelegates." You can read all about it here in Wikipedia, but basically superdelegates were a mechanism to maintain the power of the party leadership. Period. These Democratic leaders decided they didn't like, you know, democracy. So, being all-wise, they decided that their vote should count more than the Democratic electorate. You know...all animals are equal, but some are more equal than others. That kind of thing. Orwell would be proud.

There are many ironies here. The first and most obvious is that the Democratic party is un-democratic. The second is that the rules were changed in response to the results of the 1980 election. In the 1984 election, the sage leaders of the party overrode the popular vote to nominate...Walter Mondale. Who, as we all know, went on to great fame and fortune having soundly defeated the re-election attempt of Ronald Reagan.

.....

Right.

And now, it's looking like there's a strong possibility that superdelegate support for Hillary Clinton is going to override popular support for Barack Obama. Yet again, the superdelegate system is going to prop up the entrenched aristocracy of the Democratic party in the form of Clinton party loyalists. The same people, let's remember, who managed to cede Congressional control to the Republicans in 1994 and orchestrate spectacular losses to George W. Bush. Twice.

Allow me to reiterate that because it's important: They lost to the dumbest and most corrupt Republican figure in modern history. Twice.

It was only when Howard Dean took over party leadership that they managed to barely scrape together a majority (with no small amount of help from spectacular Republican implosions).

Now, that system has worked so well that they're going to wave their hands dismissively at the first Democratic figure in my lifetime who has traditionally Republican voters considering supporting him in favor of the one figure in America whose name alone can reliably raise the blood pressure of half the country by at least 30 points.

God, the ineptitude of the modern Democratic party is staggering...

Explain this Freudian slip to me

Today in "Look at these assholes!"

Seriously. Look at these assholes.

Jon Stewart's choice words for Mitt Romney

Lest you labor under any delusion that Mitt Romney is anything but an utter and complete douchenozzle:

We're awesome

The NYT says so.

Science fiction projects and their actual cost

An interesting little list compiled by Wired on a few sci-fi-ish projects and what they would actually cost to do. Example: a maglev train that could "beat an airliner" from New York to LA would be $70 billion. (I suspect it's really more than that considering the terrain sculpting, testing, etc. that would be entailed).

Totally hetero

Ted Haggard has realized he is totally hetero.

Well, my fears are assuaged. How many of us breeders _haven't_ considered repeatedly hiring a gay prostitute?

Basset vs. vacuum

I'm sure it's partly that I grew up with a basset hound, but I love this video. I crack up every time I watch it.

Obama vs. Hillary

Well, it seems to be coming down to this: will the Democratic party continue its long and distinguished history of choosing a fundamentally unelectable candidate by nominating Hillary Clinton, or will they actually go with a centrist who has momentum and can pick up independent voters and voters who don't usually come out for elections (by nominating Obama)?

The more I listen to Clinton, the more her voice grates on me. It just _sounds_ insincere. I heard her on NPR talking about how she's sat down with people and had delicious local microbrews with them, and I wanted to gag. She's simultaneously a political panderer and yet, at the same time, reviled by much of the country. It's like she has the worst of both worlds: she says what she thinks people want to hear, and they still hate her. Bleh. I can think of no better way to rally conservatives than to nominate her. And it depresses the hell out of me to think she might just get it.

As for Obama, I admit preferring him not because of any of his policies (in fact, I think Clinton's health care plan, which includes mandated coverage, is a better idea, though admittedly harder to sell) but simply because he's "new guard." I feel strongly that anyone who voted for the war resolution ought not to keep their job, and they sure as hell don't get to be promoted. Pragmatically, I think Obama's right that McCain will be able to nail Clinton on this point. She voted for the war. Period. As much as she tries to wriggle out of it, she voted for the fucking war. She rubber-stamped Bush. She went with the political winds, and that's not a quality people gravitate to in a potential President.

Yes, I know, "it's the economy, stupid." But on some level, it does come down to personality. Hillary really is unlikable, and she will continue to be unlikable no matter how much crying she does or how much she spins herself.

And speaking of the crying, it will backfire. It will gain her a certain portion of the female vote who will sympathize with her, but there's no way the American machismo will allow itself to vote for a girl who cries during press conferences. And frankly, I don't think that's necessarily something to condemn it for. Yes, machismo goes too far when it engages in "bring it on!" testosterone-laden cowboy diplomacy, but I'm sorry, stoicism is something you want in a leader. People don't follow leaders who visibly break down. We don't want leaders who are human. We'll vote for Sarah Connor, not Bridget Jones, for fuck's sake.

Is this really the kind of candidate you want to have? When you can have this?

When being a klutz is fatal

Eep?

"...He immediately withdrew the hand holding the brick, but was struck by an ill-timed case of butterfingers. He dropped the brick into the center of the assembly. He instinctively pushed the brick away from the assembly with his right hand, which immediately became enveloped in the blue glow that was now surrounding the plutonium.

At 9:55, Daghlian partially disassembled the experiment and went to the hospital to have someone look at his tingly, glowing blue hand."

Getting banned from the My Little Pony forum

I haven't laughed this hard in a while.

Choice quotes:

"The first generation of MLP's were made by Hasbro, not the Khmer Rouge."

"How could you possibly know that Osama bin Laden collects My Little Ponies? I think you're just making that up."

Engineers -> terrorists

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: don't piss me off.

"Silence! I _kill_ you!"

The Topical Satire Initiative listens to the State of the Union

...and is disappointed by the lack of discussions of human-animal hybrids.

Books that make you dumb

A nice chart comparing the most popular books at colleges versus the average SAT score of those colleges.

Some weird effects, like "The Holy Bible < Fight Club < The Book of Mormon". Go figure.

Mario controlled by giant ghostly hand

Definitely one of the weirder things I've seen recently. Ever wondered what it would be like to push around dozens of Marios with your hand? Yeah, neither had I.

I can has historically racist Disney clips?

Mmmm...racist-licious.

Questioning your Disney-based childhood yet?

Shakethatbear.com (very nsfw)

I...wow.

Wow.

Vindication that if you can think it up, there's a porn of it somewhere on the internet? I'm honestly having trouble thinking up something that would be more wrong than that video...

5 horrifying bugs to scare the piss out of you

You've probably seen lists like these before, but I really enjoyed the writing in this particular one.

"It's a full inch long, it lives in trees and thus can and will fall on you to scare you away from its hive--the one you didn't know was there, because it's in a fucking tree. Before it does this, it shrieks at you. This ant, you see, can shriek.

It's called a Bullet Ant because its 'unusually severe' sting feels like getting shot. On the Schmidt Sting Index, Bullet Ants rate as the number one most try-not-to-shit-out-your-spine painful in the entirety of the Kingdom Arthropoda.

Also--and we do feel the need to stress this--they fucking shriek at you before they attack."

Fine. You want a post? Have a wardrobe malfunction.

...and I do mean a wardrobe malfunction. (nsfw)

(blatently stolen from mrsmalkav)

I am not dead

Though I felt like I was close in Saturday night when I got food poisoning. Bleh.

No, I am home, and my internet access is dead, and it will probably stay dead for at least a few more days. Right now my computer is on top of my car "borrowing" a neighbors open access point.

Hopefully I'll be back soon.